I have been dreading and anticipating this month for years...the month she moves to college. My oldest baby girl, Shelli, moves to Delta State in just four days! It is actually on August 17th but Rush Week starts Saturday. She informed me tonight that she instead of coming home next Thursday as planned that she will just stay and that we can bring her "big" stuff on that Sunday. She said, "What's just a couple more days?" Um, forever to me! I am not ready for this. I am not ready for my Shelli to leave home. I cannot even do this post without tears streaming down my face.
I know I am not the first to experience a child moving to college, and I certainly will not be the last. But nonetheless, Shelli is mine. I am not sure how to let her go. I want her to go and experience all that God has planned for her out there, and I want her to have all the fun she can possibly have. But selfishly, I would like to be with her when she does all that. Because up to this point in her life, I have gotten to be there for all the "big" stuff. For the most part, I have gotten to participate in most of her "fun" life happenings. We were just able to do things together. I was there the moment her name was written in The Book, and I was able to watch her grow in her relationship with Christ. I got to go on mission trips and summer camps. I was with her at DNows and youth events. God even planned it so I could watch her grow at home by being her teacher with homeschool. Now, I will have to watch her life happen from Facebook, Instagram, and text messages.
She has been serving at Camp Garaywa and has only been home a few times this summer. I told myself that this was good preparation for me and the babies for when this time finally came. I have been lying to myself all summer long. Her being one hour away for a temporary amount of time has in no way prepared this momma's heart for her moving three hours away to college. It may have prepared her, and it may have taught Cooper and Aubri that Shelli was not going to be here everyday from now on, but it certainly did not help me.
Shelli got home late last Thursday night, and we have shopped for her dorm room a little each day. And each day with each item purchased I realize I am a little closer to the hour when I drive away from Delta State with her waving good-bye from Lawler-Hawkins only to see her on rare weekends and on holidays. She is already planning mission trips for her holiday breaks and future summers. Then before I know it, real life will be here and I will be sending her off for the next chapter. Marli to follow in her footsteps, then Cooper, then Aubri.
I am not afraid for her. I am not worried about her being able to take care of herself. I am not worried about her going buck wild and sowing her oats. I trust she is "rooted and grounded" in the Word, and that she knows to follow her heart. I am positive she will make mistakes along the way. I will be right here for her, along with the "crowd of witnesses" she has cheering for her.
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6
I said this was an honest blog so here goes my honest Melissa. My fear is that she will be so at peace with the "home away from home" that she will not want to come home, to my home. Our home is so hectic, always has been, as long as that baby can remember. From immature parents, alcoholism, uprooting umpteen times, being raised in ministry, both parents nearly dying, and continuous financial problems...she has never had a place of rest. Breaks my heart say that, but it is true. I know she loves us, and God knows she loves those babies, but she needs rest...and peace. And our home, our lives, our environment, is not a place of rest. There are no breaks around here.
This is another one of those times when I will have to put my faith to the pavement. Practice what I preach so to speak. When I say I am NOT ready for this, I mean it. At the same time, though, I am so ready for that child to spread her wings and to get the rest that she deserves. She has been through so much in her short eighteen years and has handled it so well with the grace of God. She deserves her own issues and not those of her parents and siblings. She deserves rest and peace. She deserves fun without hindrances and smiles without guilt. I am so ready for HER but not ready for THIS!
"Even the youths shall faint and be weary and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:30-31
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