Happy Birthday, Momma



Momma and me...she submitted this picture one time at a beauty pageant she entered me and we won Mother/Daughter Look Alike. The judges were shocked to learn that I was adopted. She loved that story.

I was told it was a freezing cold November day when she decided she would be my momma. She took of work and drove on up Highway 51 from the Potter Company to Hardy Wilson hospital to pick me up and hold my hand for the first time, November 14, 1975. From that moment on I was hers.
Momma had a servant's heart, just like her momma, Gracie Ida. If I had a dollar for every morning I woke up to find Momma in the kitchen making a pone of biscuits for an uncle, or six, I would be sitting pretty right now. Everyone knew Momma's table would be ready in just a few minutes of their arrival with a meal and that they could stay as long as they wanted, even if she did have to get up the next morning at 5 a.m. to get ready to go to her blue collar job and work for $4.00 an hour. She absolutely loved serving others. She most definitely spoiled me. She did everything for me. When I am sick, boy do I miss her bringing my meals to the bed and constantly caring for me. Now that's my job.

Jerline being Jerline. She HATED

to have her picture taken.

I wish my children would have gotten the opportunity to know her and her personality. She was never serious, just like her big brother Willie. Well, all the Furlows are pretty crazy funny. You never knew what Momma was going to say or come up with next. And she was not an "easy on the ears" speaking lady, either. She loved Jesus, but she would cuss, too. I guess that's where I get that from. I would give anything to hear her call my any one of my kids "a little shit ass." I would fuss at her probably, I'm sure. But I can just hear the love in her voice when I play it in my head. My cousin, Kellie, remembers her trying to "burn" her with her cigarette liter. She would never have, but it was her way of joking with kids. And she would come at you with a knife making you think she was going to stab you, but she would turn it under at just the last second. Sick humor, I know. But that was my Momma.
Momma would have loved her grandbabies, and they would have adored her. When Keith and I told her that I was pregnant with Shelli, she immediately, like during the conversation, got on the phone and started calling her sisters to tell them she was going to be a mawmaw. That was October. In December, December 15, 1995, as a matter of fact, Momma was diagnosed with lymphoma and was told she had six months to live.
Just when I was figuring out that "Momma was right about all those things" and that I needed a mother beside me in this world, she was about to leave this world for good.  I felt angry for a while, and I felt robbed. We barely got to know each other as women. I didn't even get the chance to get her biscuit recipe or her famous praline recipe. There were things I needed to know, and she was being taken from me just when I needed her.
Momma fought hard. She suffered hard. The family tells me that she fought the battle hard just so she could be around to see Shelli born. And that she did. Momma was there the entire time I was in labor with Shelli until the wee hours of the morning when she was born. Momma was worn slap out, but she was a trooper. She came in and told me "You did good" and gave me a kiss. They took her home and she came back as soon as she could, that woman.


Since Momma was sick the entire time she knew Shelli, all she was able to do was hold her.
But to her, that was enough. She absolutely adored Shelli. I know there are hundreds of stories that were left untold. 

The last day I spent with Momma was good. One of the few days that I actually got to be alone with her after she was sick. It was just a God-ordained day of Momma, baby Shelli, and me. We sat around the house and talked. She decided she wanted mandarin chicken from Ken's Golden China for lunch so we shared a buffet. Later she wanted a snowcone. We rode to Gussie's and I got her a strawberry with cream, her favorite. When we got home, something had changed. As I tried to help her out of the car, it was like all hope left her because she was so weak at that point. I left a little later with the regular "I love you's" and "good byes".
So thankful for that day because that was the last day I got to spend with Momma while she was conscious. The next day she went out and never woke back up. We spent the next week at the Baptist Hospital watching her body get weaker and weaker. Hoping for a miracle but all the while knowing this was the time God was going to call her weak and torn body home.
As her breaths got slower and shallower and her heartbeat got fainter and fainter, the nurse came and unplugged the morphine drip. She said Momma could no longer feel the pain anyway. I sat by her side and held her hand. Keith was there. Daddy was in and out. Aunt Bernice and Aunt Janice were there too. The nurse would come in every so often to check her vitals.

The day I got married.

As I watched Momma's chest go up and down, my mind was flooding with all the memories I had of her that I never wanted to lose...like her Christmas pralines, playing dominoes, baiting a hook with a worm like nobody's business, fishing with a cane pole from sun up to sun down, her biscuits, her homemade mac n cheese, the day I got married...and then all of a sudden it was like a cloud filled the room with a peace like I have never experienced before, and I looked at Momma's chest and it was not moving. I truly believe that I was holding her hand that exact moment when she crossed over Jordan and saw Jesus face to face for the first time. You could tell there was no more pain, no more tears! What a glorious moment it was!
That was the last time I held her hand...on a hot summer's day in June. June 7, 1996
 



Who Is That Girl?

The other day I was waxing my eyebrows and when I finished, I gave myself a hard look over in the mirror. Let's face it. The mirror does not lie. There was someone looking back at me that I did not recognize. 'Who is that girl?' I thought. I looked deep into her eyes. Wait a minute. That really was me in that mirror.  There was barely a resemblance of myself in there. It is just that the girl I had known is long gone.

 

You see there was once this girl who was strong, physically and mentally. The Melissa I once knew could do anything. She had enough energy and stamina to work days on end, but not this girl. This girl can barely load the dishwasher before she is drained of energy, and she is only 38 years old. The old Melissa loved to dance. She even taught dance. When she danced, the problems of her world seemed to disappear with each step of the foot and with stretch of the arm. This girl in the mirror dares even to think of dancing anymore. The mere thought of what she once loved so deeply hurts to the core, physically and mentally.  So many facets of the "old Melissa" are gone but not forgotten. The "new Melissa" remembers each and every part that was, and sometimes longs for "that girl."

 

When I look at the girl in the mirror I see that life has taken its toll on her. A life of hurt and struggle shows in her eyes. The years of turmoil while her husband was an alcoholic has worn her down. Years of doing it all herself and going ninety-to-nothing has done nothing but harm to her. The physical stress her body has been through the past few years has beaten her beauty.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Proverbs 30:31

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder, "Who is that?" I think we all, guys and gals, face the issue at some point in our life, whether it be the physical side or the emotional side of us. One day you wake up and you don't look or feel so 20'ish anymore, or one day you wake up and realize life may be getting the best of you. Either way, a good self-examination is sometimes needed for a reality check or a good come-to-Jesus meeting, or both.

 

I am thankful that I examined that girl in the mirror for more than what I saw on the surface of her reflection. I am thankful, in some ways, that I am not the same Melissa I used to be. I'm thankful that I'm growing in the Lord and that I have learned the truly important things in life. I am thankful that my heart has softened and so many other ways that God has changed my heart over the years. I am thankful that I am learning that I cannot do it all.

More and more each day God gives me more peace with the path He has me walking. I am working on two years of learning to accept the "girl in the mirror". I am thankful that my story is God's story and that I am hopefully giving Him glory by putting it into words.

 

 

My 9/11 Part 3: Life is Short

People tell me often, daily almost, how much I have inspired them through my story. It humbles me every single time because I in no way look in the mirror and see someone who could inspire people. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman that is beaten and worn by the years and is making it daily by God's grace, strength and mercy. But, I do hope in some sort of way I have inspired at least one of you to look at life just a little differently, either at your own or another's.

 

Through this life of mine and especially through the past two years that God has journeyed me down, I have learned a couple of things here and there. One thing I have learned, perhaps the most important, is the gigantic adage, "don't sweat the small stuff." After facing death head on, nose to nose, your perspective changes dramatically. And as a parent,  you learn a tremendous amount of knowledge in what seems like seconds.

 

Before I was diagnosed with aHUS, I was very high strung and orderly (some, well, Keith, says I still am). I had everything together and in its place. I could balance porcelain plates on hands, elbows and knees without dropping a single one all while making dinner and giving kids a bath. After my discharge, I could barely bathe myself much less manage the household like I used to do. A resolution had to come quickly to me, or life at home was going to be disastrous! I prayed for a revelation and as simply as I prayed, I got my answer. "Chill, Melissa. Just chill out. Do what you can. Don't sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles. Keep it simple. Save your energy for what really matters."

 

 I'm learning not to care. For example, I don't care if the house is spotless when someone comes over. Nope. If they know how much we are struggling and how sick we are, and if they don't like the way my house looks, well they are welcome to hire a maid or come do it themselves. Because what I really care about is conserving enough energy to be there for that softball game or soccer game. And if I have to a perfect spotless house, it ain't gonna happen.

 

Let the kids be kids. Maybe it's because I am now the mother of four and have chilled through the years, or maybe it is because through this journey I have learned what is important and what it not. I don't have a panic attack when Cooper flies off the couch or when Aubri falls off the porch. I have learned to let the kids settle their own arguments, for the most part. Aubri is going to get body slammed about two or three more times by Coop and she is gonna get that blonde-haired, blue-eyed big-bully, sweet brother of hers a hit where the sun don't shine. She's getting tough. But I'm trying to let them handle their own battles instead of me jumping to the rescue.

"Little" things are not "big" things anymore. I have enough "big" things to consume my daily life. There really is no room to let the little things get the best of me. Now when it does come to those "big" issues, I knock, kick, and cry, and pray, pray, pray. I turn to God, my Rock and my Help. I get out my Bible that is falling apart because I refuse to get a new one, and read the 2,000 year old self-help book that God left me. And then, I message my friends. And then, I usually put it on Facebook. (Yes, I do. Why? Because I don't live quietly. I live God out loud. That's how I'm wired.)

 

Rain puddles, back porch sittin', impromptu dances, happy hour runs to Sonic, pajama and popcorn days.....yeah, we really do all that around here. Why? Because aHUS can suddenly cause my body to turn on itself and shut down and then tomorrow may not be. I mean, none of us are promised tomorrow. I guess for some of us, we just use tomorrow before it gets it here. 

"Therefore, I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, not about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather  into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" Matthew 6: 25-27

 

I am learning to make the most of what life path God has me own. Even on the worst scenario, I bet ya I can find a positive out of it. I have to laugh to keep from crying sometimes. With as much "life" that can happen in the days of our lives, I have to make sure that I lived that one day for Jesus.  The most important thing for my day is not did I get the vegetable soup stain out of the carpet (sorry, Emily) or is the perfect Pinterest project complete, but it is did I point my life to Jesus? Did I teach my kids scripture? Did I show love to the least of them? Did I make the most of the breath I was given?

 



My 9/11 is 8/23 Being A Momma From A Hospital Bed

Only surpassing being the pastor of a small Baptist country church by a few tally marks, being a parent is the most difficult job in the entire world. It is exhausting, yet exhilarating. It is terrifying and trying, yet satisfying and rewarding. There is nothing like it.

 

I never imagined being the mother of four children, yet I am. I also never imagined having to parent my four children from a hospital bed, an hour away, for twenty-eight days straight. That was certainly never in my daydreams as a little girl. Nonetheless, it became a reality on 8/23/2012, the day changed our family forever.

 

I told you in the previous blog post that we dropped the kids off with Keith's sister, Angie. If I had known that was the last time I would hold them without wires and cables hanging out of me, I would have held on forever. I am not sure how many days passed before it was before I actually got to lay eyes on any of them again after I left them that day. My times runs together. I do remember though telling Keith to make sure of "this" and to make sure of "that". I was still trying to be Momma as best I could.

 

When the dust would settle each day, at first, Keith would go over what had happened all throughout the day and who came and called. He would tell me about talking to the kids. He and Shelli seemed to have taken control over my job. They had the little ones all taken care of...Aubri was with Angie and Josh, and Cooper was with his mom and dad. Shelli and Marli were floating all over because Shelli was able to drive. Keith and Shelli knew when one child would be swapping from one location to the other, and they were the ones making the arrangements to make that happen. All I could do was just agree.

 

The first day I was in the hospital, Shelli had teeth extracted and I had to leave her. I could not take care of her. Then time passed, and it was September 6th, the day she was to get her braces. I could not be with her then and I could not take care of her then. All she had was my voice. And all I was the assurance from others that she was okay and doing well. I wanted to go to KFC and get her some mashed potatoes and gravy, but I couldn't. I wanted to give her blue Gatorade, but I couldn't. All I could do was nothing. Just have faith and trust that what I was being told was true. I had to believe that I was doing my job as a mother by sitting still and letting my body "do its thing" so I could get back full force to her. Easier said than done.

 

From my oldest to my youngest, my thoughts hopscotched all day long. I knew without a doubt that Aubri was in the best care. But it just wasn't my care. She was just a tiny baby. Everyday was going to be something new for her, and I wanted to be the one to see it. Aubri was my last baby. I wanted every moment of hers. I didn't want to lose one single coo or roll over or smile. Would she even know my voice when I ever did get to hold her again? But again, God said, "Melissa, if you want her thens, you've got to let me have the nows." I had to let go and trust. I had to let my body heal to a point where I could get back to her so I could have her again, and hopefully many, many more thens.

 

Cooper is just my child that goes with the flow. God blessed him with being a preacher's child early in life, so he is easy. But in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn't going to understand why momma and daddy were gone for so long. And he didn't. I remember the first time they strolled me down to the lobby to see him I was all hooked up to the drip and I had my ports hanging out of my neck. The poor baby didn't know what had happened to his mommy. I'm sure there's a few thousand dollars worth of therapy in our future about that. Coop was real stand-offish. I would be too.

 

And Marli, my Marli, her heart is so tender and can't handle much so she turns toward self. She pretends it's no big deal, but she is really going nuts inside. I wanted to just sit with her and explain to her everything, because all this was just dropped on her like a bombshell. Too much for her to handle. Too much for any of us to handle. She did not want to talk to me much on the phone and didn't want to look at me much when they came for short visits. It hurt, but I understood.

 

Each child has different needs, and even while fighting for life, they needed me in all those ways. I tried to fulfill every request I could. I took every opportunity I could to talk to them. I tried to always be positive but never lie. Yes, I even answered the hard question of "are you going to die?" Well, I don't, but if I do, you can bet your sweet bottom I will be with Jesus tonight. And you should know how much I love each and everyone of you.

 

Shelli and I had some talks about "what if I really did die". That was a tough one to have, yeah. I just told her what I expected of her and how I would like for it to play out. She said okay.

 

The bottom line is the time I spent away from my children physically, I was actually more mentally with them than I ever had been before. Because I was forced to be still and not be busy with world stuff, I had the time to pray over my kids and write letters to them. Plan things out for them. God used this hospital bed vacation as a time for me to focus on my kids and to realize and to re-evaluate where some changes needed to be made. God taught me calmness during this time. I had never experienced a day of calm in my entire life. But through the trials of what my physical body had to endure, I had to be calm or else.

 

Parenting is hard. Period. But I dare not try to parent my children in this world without having been armed with the Word of God. I trusted in that bed that what I was praying for was being heard by God and was being handled. And it was. My kids were perfectly in tact when I came home. and I am so so very thankful for all those that had a part in keep them. I will not name names because my memory fails me. But y'all were my angels. Aside from me never letting go of the Bible and God sending angels to attend my way, those twenty-eight days would have been an epic parent fail.

My 9/11 is 8/23

Eight. Twenty-three. Two thousand twelve. What were you doing on that day? My day was planned to start back to Thursday morning Bible study that I had looked forward to all summer long after Aubri was born. Keith was taking Shelli to get some teeth extracted for her braces that she was soon to get. And for lunch we were going to celebrate Marli's twelfth birthday anywhere she wanted. Well, the morning went just as planned on into lunch. Marli chose Little Tokyo. I pushed through the meal, though, pretending with everything I had in me that I was having a good time. I tried so hard not to ruin her birthday. We finished the meal, and I barely made it to the car. Keith put his foot down and said, "That's it. I'm taking you to the emergency room."

 

You see, I had Aubri just eight weeks before and I thought I was just not recovering from her birth. I was more than fatigued. I had head aches, body aches and just strange things happening to me. I thought I had West Nile. Keith made arrangements for his sister, Angie, to keep the kids for the day and to make sure Shelli was going to be okay with her medicines. When we dropped them off I just stayed in the car not knowing that it was going to be the last time in over a month that I would hug them without wires hanging out of me.

 

Longer story made a little shorter, when we got to the emergency room and was finally seen by a doctor I was critically ill. Wait. I was dying? No, I'm supposed to have the flu or West Nile. They knew something was severely wrong but did not know what. All they knew was that I needed immediate blood transfusions or I was going to die, and that I needed to be airlifted to University Medical Center in Jackson. 

 

I have no account of time for the next hours or days because it all runs together. I saw so many doctors, nurses, and fellows. I was poked and prodded. I think every ounce of blood that I received in the transfusion they drew right back out of me to test. I felt like ET and Elliot at the end of the movie when they were doing all that testing and nobody knew what was wrong. At first they said I had TTP, a rare blood disease, but they were not exactly sure. They had to do one certain test to determine if it was TTP or aHUS. After a while it was determined that I do in fact have aHUS, atypical hemolytic uremic syndrome. Basically, I'm allergic to my blood. Not really, but my red blood cells spontaneously burst upon being made. By body will eventually turn on itself and my organs will shut down.

 

My 9/11 just became 8/23. My world was crashing down around me. Was I even going to make it at this point? My mind was running everywhere just as people were in New York City that day scrambling for help. Lives changed forever. Life as they knew it would be no more. Life....as I knew it....would be no more. I did not exactly what that would be. I did not know how to plan.

 

For the next twenty-eight days on the 5th Floor I made my home. I took twenty-three apharesis treatments and two rounds of chemotherapy. They gave me a plethora of drugs to keep me alive and to help me combat the affects of the drugs and treatments I was receiving. I made friends with the all the staff. I began to look forward to "what the new plan of the day" was going to be since yesterday's plan didn't work on me. My daily platelet count was a highlight of the day, too! It told me how much closer I was to dying or how much closer I was to living another day.

Plasma Exchange - Apheresis Treatment

It separates the blood into three parts. For me, it took out my bad plasma and put in good plasma. My body was resistant. Hence, the good steroids, Benadryl, Tylenol, and chocolate milks to help with reactions. Each treatment was about two hours long depending how reaction of my body. These were exhausting and traumatizing to the body.

 

Off all the things that I had imagined in my mind lying in the emergency room, this was NOT IT! I can barely understand exactly what it is that I have. How am I going to explain this to people? It is so complicated, and so rare. So rare, in fact, that in 2012, only 300 cases in the United States had been documented and 500 in Italy. Now given the population of both the US and Italy, that is 800 cases in about 375,000,000 people. That 800 is on the right side of that first comma folks. That is a tiny amount of people, and I am one of them. And to further this rarity, there is only ONE drug that keeps us 800 people alive. ONE DRUG! You take an infusion and it only lasts for fourteen days and you go get it again. Soliris is its name. You won't find it on the $4 list at Wal-Mart. The cost of this ONE drug to keep us special 800 people alive each time we go is $99,999.99! It ain't cheap. If you need to see the bill, I will be happy to show you. It's the most expensive drug on the market. And who is blessed to have this rare disease, ME! MISSY!

 

I want to share more this week about my time in the room and how the Bible gave me such strength it was divine intervention. I want to share about being a mother during that time. I will share my heart on control issues and small stuff. God taught me a lot in that hospital room. So stay tuned. This is installment of ___, I don't know. I'm just thankful I'm here to write out my story.

 

Praises Y'all!

 



Please Don't Ignore

In light of Robin William's recent death, there is much talk of suicide and depression. I confessed on Facebook about my thoughts of suicide because many asked the question of "how can someone think there is no way out other than suicide?" Well, unless you have 'walked in those shoes', it is not something you will understand. It is kinda like the world trying to understand why Christians think the way we think...  So, I was thinking that I would try to give an insight into what my thoughts were, sometimes still are, for a day. You can insert daily tasks, children, errands, and life wherever you feel like in between the run-on sentences and poor grammar. But maybe, just maybe, you will get an idea of a depressed brain.

 

My days and thoughts started as follows:

 

Crap. It's morning. I don't want to get up. Is there someone here that can deal with the kids? I would rather just stay here in the covers. Wonder if I will find bruises today. I already know I don't have the energy to make it. Please don't let them wake up right now. Please let them sleep late so I can enjoy being awake, just a little. There is so much to do today. Do I have a doctor's appointment today? I hope not. I'm so tired of being a pin cushion. The house is never clean. I can't get it clean enough. I am a horrible housekeeper, which makes me a horrible mother. Everybody else's house is clean, and smells good. Why can't mine? Why can't I get it together like everybody else? Why am I run ragged? No no no. They are awake! Can't somebody take them away for the day, or forever. I don't feel like being momma day. I don't wanna cook for me, much less them. What kind of mother am I for not wanting to take care of her kids? You don't deserve to live. You can't take care of them. Half of the time you are wondering what you're gonna feed them anyway. You should have never had them. You have ruined their lives by your choices. You stayed with Keith. You should have left. You deserve this. You deserve this punishment. You deserve this miserable life. You deserve everything you have brought on yourself. But they don't. And you did it to them. You only had Shelli and Marli, and then you had two more. What were you thinking? How could you bring two more lives into your miserable being much less this horrible world? You have ruined their lives. They are going to hate you. They are going to leave and never come back. Somebody stop the screaming! I can't take it! I don't want to hear it! I just can't take it! Just leave. Just walk away from it all. Keith can take care of them. Or Shelli. Somebody will. Just leave and start a new life. You are horrible. You sound just like the mother who gave you away. She gave away five, and now you want to walk away from four. You are a worthless human being. You are no better than the worse thought you ever had about her. How can you even think about leaving these precious babies? They are gifts and you just want to walk away! You are despicable. What time is it? Is the day over yet? I can't make it any longer. My mind and heart is so tired. Everybody is demanding so much of me. Why do they think I am so strong? I am not. I am screaming for help and nobody is hearing me. Other than saying I want to die, I don't know how else to say it. I am so weak. I am so lonely. I need a friend. I see everybody else with friends, and I have no one. Nobody invites me to go anywhere. I sit here and listen to the stories. I don't have any stories. I am so tired. I want friend. I want somebody to take care of me. I miss momma. She left too soon. What's the best way to do it? I can't do it during the day because the babies would be home alone. I want it to work when I do it. I don't want a mess up. I don't want to burden anybody with a vegetable. I can't do it before school lets out because Marli will freak if I'm not there. What will she do when I'm gone? Who's gonna watch out for her? I guess if I kill myself all the work will be on Shelli. Ugh. I can't even die in peace!!!Can't somebody help me around here? Everything is on me. My mind can't stop. There is no quiet in my head. It's like a tilt-a-whirl that never lets you off. I'm so tired. I wish somebody would here me. I hate this new normal I have. I hate being the sick one. I hate living knowing that I'm going to die. I know we all are, but it is more of a reality for me. I hate watching for bruises and wondering what my platelet count is. Will I live to see Cooper and Aubri grow up? If I die now, will they even know me? I can't stop thinking about it. Will they hate me for always being sick? I resented my momma and her family for always being sick. Who's to say my kids won't resent me? The thought makes me just want to end it now because at least it will be quick and not slow like the disease. Make it stop. God, do you hear me? Why don't you help me? Give me a break God! I don't want to get Marli from school. God all she does is cause problems. I just can't deal with her. If she wasn't my child I would hate her. How can I think that? I am supposed to have unconditional love. I am a seriously messed up human being. I need help. I know that. Please somebody help me. If she pops off  I may hurt her. I'm afraid of myself. I'm horrible. How can I possibly want to hurt my child? But at the same time I understand why kids are thrown into garbage kids. I get it. Oh my. I'm sick just like they are. I understand how they can go off, Lord.  I understand their anger. Why am I made like this?

 

 

Do you get the point? I stopped my thoughts at about 3:00 p.m. before would get Marli from school. All day long thoughts race through your head. Awful thoughts. Those thoughts lead to guilt. Those thoughts lead to a very dark place. That place provides a space for suicide. Day after day after day. Night after night after night. EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW BETTER! I even went so far as to write little "notes" of good-byes to a few people, starting with Keith and the kids. If I could have figured out a sure-fire way of making it happen, I may not be here today. But thankfully, God made me a detailed, analytical person and I thought too hard. And I had just enough faith left each night to hang on until the next morning.

 

You see, I thought I was abandoned by God because my troubles were so abundant. God never left me. Satan had such a hold on my thoughts that it was a real spiritual warfare (see Ephesians 6) going on in my head. Keith took me to St. Dominic's to the psych ward and I had a little vacation and some time in "group." I "got out" on December 23 just before Christmas this past year. (Just to push the point that nobody notices, only ONE person noticed that I did not make a post on FB for those several days and she was the ONLY one that even asked what was going on besides the few that were told after the fact. Thank you, Mrs. Lynn.) Those few days in the hospital gave me lots of time to think about what was wrong with me. The best conclusion I came to was "acceptance." I needed to accept the life and path God was sending me down. I didn't want to do it, but I had to in order to make it.

 

Life has certainly not let up. Right after I was release, I really did almost die from blood clots in my lungs. (Game changer! I almost got my wish.) Life is not going to let up. I must accept the day to day, and I must stay close to God. I must believe what He has promised and I must cling with everything that I have in me to His Word. I must scream at Him when no one else hears me. He hears me. I know He does.

 

This is as raw and as honest as I can be. I know this is a long one, and it is very personal. But I beg of you, please, please, please share this. Not for my sake, but for someone else's. I guarantee someone else is sitting in the dark scrolling through and thinking some, if not all, of the same thoughts. It just may help or save someone from going through it.

"Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord--that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful." James 5:11

DON'T GIVE UP!

 

I'm Not Ready For This

I have been dreading and anticipating this month for years...the month she moves to college. My oldest baby girl, Shelli, moves to Delta State in just four days! It is actually on August 17th but Rush Week starts Saturday. She informed me tonight that she instead of coming home next Thursday as planned that she will just stay and that we can bring her "big" stuff on that Sunday. She said, "What's just a couple more days?" Um, forever to me! I am not ready for this. I am not ready for my Shelli to leave home. I cannot even do this post without tears streaming down my face.

 

I know I am not the first to experience a child moving to college, and I certainly will not be the last. But nonetheless, Shelli is mine. I am not sure how to let her go. I want her to go and experience all that God has planned for her out there, and I want her to have all the fun she can possibly have. But selfishly, I would like to be with her when she does all that. Because up to this point in her life, I have gotten to be there for all the "big" stuff. For the most part, I have gotten to participate in most of her "fun" life happenings. We were just able to do things together. I was there the moment her name was written in The Book, and I was able to watch her grow in her relationship with Christ. I got to go on mission trips and summer camps. I was with her at DNows and youth events. God even planned it so I could watch her grow at home by being her teacher with homeschool. Now, I will have to watch her life happen from Facebook, Instagram, and text messages.

 

She has been serving at Camp Garaywa and has only been home a few times this summer. I told myself that this was good preparation for me and the babies for when this time finally came. I have been lying to myself all summer long. Her being one hour away for a temporary amount of time has in no way prepared this momma's heart for her moving three hours away to college. It may have prepared her, and it may have taught Cooper and Aubri that Shelli was not going to be here everyday from now on, but it certainly did not help me.

 

Shelli got home late last Thursday night, and we have shopped for her dorm room a little each day. And each day with each item purchased I realize I am a little closer to the hour when I drive away from Delta State with her waving good-bye from Lawler-Hawkins only to see her on rare weekends and on holidays. She is already planning mission trips for her holiday breaks and future summers. Then before I know it, real life will be here and I will be sending her off for the next chapter. Marli to follow in her footsteps, then Cooper, then Aubri.

 

I am not afraid for her. I am not worried about her being able to take care of herself. I am not worried about her going buck wild and sowing her oats. I trust she is "rooted and grounded" in the Word, and that she knows to follow her heart. I am positive she will make mistakes along the way. I will be right here for her, along with the "crowd of witnesses" she has cheering for her.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 

I said this was an honest blog so here goes my honest Melissa. My fear is that she will be so at peace with the "home away from home" that she will not want to come home, to my home. Our home is so hectic, always has been, as long as that baby can remember. From immature parents, alcoholism, uprooting umpteen times, being raised in ministry, both parents nearly dying, and continuous financial problems...she has never had a place of rest. Breaks my heart say that, but it is true. I know she loves us, and God knows she loves those babies, but she needs rest...and peace. And our home, our lives, our environment, is not a place of rest. There are no breaks around here.

 

This is another one of those times when I will have to put my faith to the pavement. Practice what I preach so to speak. When I say I am NOT ready for this, I mean it. At the same time, though, I am so ready for that child to spread her wings and to get the rest that she deserves. She has been through so much in her short eighteen years and has handled it so well with the grace of God. She deserves her own issues and not those of her parents and siblings. She deserves rest and peace. She deserves fun without hindrances and smiles without guilt. I am so ready for HER but not ready for THIS!

"Even the youths shall faint and be weary and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:30-31



Don't Bring That Mess Home

"School days. School days. Good ole golden school days." I can remember my momma singing this when it was getting time for school each year. Naturally, I have tortured my children with the same nagging tune, too. As parents it is one of the few luxuries we get. My momma never really told me if she was excited about school starting back each year, or at least I have no memory of her talking about it. But I know I was excited! I could not wait for the next school year to begin because that meant I got nine months of friends and a social life outside of my house walls! Around my house, when it came to school, I was on my own. I did my own thing. I did my own homework. I made my own schedules. I did it all, except for before I had my driver's license and needed momma to drive me somewhere. To me, it was nine months of freedom. To momma, well, I'm not sure what it meant to her.

 

We as parents get nine months of school, homework, ballgames, and endless chauffeuring, but we also get nine months of hard life teaching with our teaching kids. I have tried to do my best through the years to always play devil's advocate when it comes to my kids. When they come complaining about a friend or a teacher, usually my first question is "what did you do to cause this?" or "what was your part in this?" Without saying so, it drove them crazy because they thought I was immediately taking the other side. I just like to know the whole story before I start accusing another child or giving advice, the wrong advice. That's the legal side in me. Knowing all sides of the story is important. It saves you from having to eat crow pie when you have confronted another parent accusing her child of saying something when it was your child that picked the fight in the first place.  Most always it turns out that my girls have not been totally innocent in the situation as their little hearts would have like to have believed. Imagine that. Teaching opportunity for them. Learning opportunity for me. Actually, most of my learning came from experiences with Shelli's friendships. Now I get to apply them to Marli and learn some more I expect.

 

My girls are no stranger to hardship and heart ache. Reminding them that every person has her own story is usually not hard to explain. I have tried to teach them that the reason someone is acting the way she is may possibly because of what is happening in her life at home. She just may not be telling you the story. She may be embarrassed. She may be too hurt. She may be too scared to tell anyone. You never know. Basically, I have tried to teach compassion to my girls and to the little ones coming up. Because after all, we want compassion shown to us, right?

 

Marli is entering the eighth grade this year, and I am not looking forward to all the complex problems she will face. I see her growing in her relationship with Christ, though, so I am looking forward to the teachable moments I am going to have with her. I have tried to get a good list going of "ready-to-use Scripture" to have on hand to stop yip-yapping in its tracks. I told her that I do not want her to bring that home this year. Those things are better left outside our door, as are most things. I know with her having a phone this will be impossible to monitor totally, but at least in our conversations, we will discuss it and end it, and hopefully she will leave the conversation having heard something to make her grow.
 
I made a list of Scriptures from Proverbs that are pretty straight forward and are easily memorized. These were some of my favorites as I skimmed the book. I added my own commentary in parenthesis. I have more from other books, but for time purposes I am sharing just the Proverbs list. If you would like the others, leave your email in the comments and I will be happy to email them to you.
 
Proverbs 10:12 - Hatred stirs up strife but love covers all sins. (Always wear your Jesus glasses and see others with love.)
Proverbs 12:22 - Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully are his delight. (Always tell the truth even when you have blame in the matter. Always.)
Proverbs 12:26 - The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Choose godly friends, not just popular friends.)
Proverbs 13:20 - He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed. (Be careful who your friends are.)
Proverbs 15:3 - The eyes of the LORD are in every place, watching what on the evil and the good. (Momma will find out the truth!)
Proverbs 16:25 - There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death. (You can have fun without compromising your faith and without breaking the rules. I promise!)
Proverbs 17:5 - He who mocks the poor reproaches his maker; He who is glad at calamity will not go unpunished. (Don't you DARE make fun of someone who appears to have less than you do. AND When someone gets in trouble, I would not advise smiling and rejoicing. It could be you next!)
Proverbs 17:14 - The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore, stop the contention before the quarrel starts. (Be the one who says, "No. We aren't gonna talk about her/him/that around me.")
Proverbs 18:24 - A man who has friends must himself be friendly; but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Be the friend you want to have.)
Proverbs 20:11 - Even a child is known by his deeds, whether what he does is pure and right. (Behavior is key, and good behavior is rewarded with privileges.)
Proverbs 22:1 - A good name is to be choses rather than great riches; loving favor rather than silver and gold. (Your name, your reputation, will follow you forever, even after you die.)
Proverbs 22:2 - The rich and the poor have this in common, the LORD is the make of the them all. (Everybody is the same. No one is better than you, and you are better than no one.)
Proverbs 25:21-22 - If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for so you will heap coals of fire on his head, and the LORD will reward you. (Remember the Golden Rule. Show your enemy Jesus, not Satan.)

My encouragement to you as a parent is teach your child from the Word. End arguments from the Word. Stop gossip from the Word. Encourage from the Word. There are thousands upon thousands of parenting books to be purchased, but I am so thankful that we have THE ONE from God. Let us use it and not let it sit idol on our night stands.

 

Angels Among Us

WARNING: Dear Friends and Family, If you are embarrassed by me and Keith airing it on social media, the Piggly Wiggly still has paper bags for you to put over you head. This is the way we minister, by being transparent. Our lives are an open book, even the ugly parts.

 

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another." Romans 12:9-10

If I could say one thing about this week it is that it has been beyond crazier than our crazy normal! It has been a full time job chauffeuring Keith and Marli to and from softball practices and doctors appointments (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday).  Keith cannot be left alone because of the seizures so we have to make sure he is being "watched" at all times. I had to go to Jackson this week for my treatment. The little babies have been in tow, along with Keith, watching movies while in the car and playing in the dirt at the softball complex. Aubri, meanwhile, decides this week, of all weeks, that she wants to potty like a big girl. So, we have pottied in parking lots, on the grass and at all available restrooms. Of course, Cooper still goes where he pleases regardless of where we are and who is around. Just hustle, hustle, hustle.

 

Behind the scenes this week, though, we have had some very rough times, and I have scuffed the bottom rocks quite a few times. To begin, Keith had his MRI's of his shoulder and brain and also his EEG. The praise is that there are no tumors causing these seizures of his, which are at least two a day at this point. His EEG showed "strong epileptic waves".  For now, until we can see a neurologist sometime in August, his problem is being labeled "epilepsy unspecified." As for his shoulder, he is doing a little therapy to reduce the swelling, but it will need an operation. We just do not know if the plan is to scope it or cut it.

 

We are fine with all the medical and health issues. The hard issues are the financial issues. (Warning: Here comes the ugly that may embarrass some.) One of the worst this week was being turned away at the doctor's office because we did not have the money for the co-pay. Yeah. Really. You know, you don't have insurance, they won't see you. Then you work hard to have insurance, and they still won't see you. I cannot tell you how devastating and embarrassing it was to pack up the kids and walk out of that office, knowing how important it was that your husband get the medical care he needed. I can only imagine what it did to him as a husband, as father, as a man. But praise be to God that there were angels among us who made it happen so that he could get the medical care he needed and now he is at least on medicine for the seizures until he gets checked out by the neurologist.

 

I have watched Keith suffer in such agony and pain since July 8th, much more so than when he had his heart attacks. Those were over and done with in a blink of an eye, but this is lingering pain, not to mention what came on Wednesday. I took Keith by the office in order that he could update his boss on what all was going on with his health and all the work he was working on at home. Because I have to drive Keith, I just went in and sat in the office while they talked. I overheard two men trying to do the best they could to do the right thing in this matter...one trying to be a godly employer and friend, and the other trying to be a godly husband, father, and provider for his family hanging on with everything he had to his job. We left. Of course, I was crying and slinging snot from one side of the car to the other. I told Keith that he had to trust me on this. He had to leave his job on faith. He has been out three weeks now and his working from home was not benefitting anyone. It was causing undue stress on everyone at the office and him. His boss was too good of a man to tell him that. So, as of today, Friday, Keith is no longer employed. His boss has been angel among us for almost four and a half years now.

 

My children have had to hear the word "no" about getting things they want more times than I would like to count. My heart hurts to tell them no, even though if I had the money I would never give them everything they want, but I would like to say "yes", just sometimes. Well, it is school time which means t-shirt time, school supply time, backpack time, new shoes time, school clothes time, etc. According to my check book "ain't nobody got time fo dat!"  God has His school time angels in play because school supplies will be handled. T-shirts have been purchased. School and college is going to be okay because of angels that I love. Some I know; some I do not know. Certainly, there are angels among us.

 

Thursday, treatment day, is MY day. Sadly enough, I look forward to my Thursdays even though I get poked and prodded and infused. It means I get girl time with my driver, Leslie, and usually I get to eat at least one meal without a child climbing on me. This last treatment was different. I was busy on my phone almost the entire time responding to encouraging text messages and Facebook posts from my friends, my angels. I was being showered with love and prayer and scripture when I needed it most. God sent angels to lift me up. Our angel Pawpaw Robert came and babysat and did the chauffeuring while I was away. One angel named Robyn even cooked my family the best poppy seed chicken I have ever eaten.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15 

I have been so broken this week, and usually I am not. Leslie said the whole time she has known me she has never heard me cry out loud...until this week. Everything seems to be happening at once to me. I have one baby moving to college. I have one baby with issues I will not discuss here. I have one baby, my last baby, potty training. Keith is having random seizures. Surgery for his shoulder looms overhead. Now no income. Life is happening, and I have not been able to wrap my mind around it as fast as it has been happening this week. I hopped on the lawn mower this evening to cut the grass and to slow my thoughts down.

 

(Another disclaimer: I do apologize if this sounds like complaining or a pity party because it is not. I only tell you these things in order that God may get the glory for the great things He has done.)

 

At times this week I have felt so alone, and I have cried out to God in tears and in anger. But I can do that because He cares for me. He is there for me, and He knows my thoughts and He knows my heart's desires and longings. He knows I love Him and I will serve Him no matter what comes my way. He lets me "get it out." He is that kind of Father. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. He knew I needed my angels especially this week. He prompted them at the exact times I needed someone. Yes, indeed, there are angels among us.

A Peden Angel says, "Here we go again."



There's a Reason That Bunny is Pink

Whew! For mommas it just never ends, no matter what life is throwing it at ya. Don't yell me for leaving those dandy dads out, I know some push to the edge, too. I'm speaking from a momma's heart, from my heart.

 

Before you are a mom, you think about you and your husband. I can look back now and see how easy life was before our first child, Shelli, entered our lives. (There is no regret in that statement. DON'T hear what I'm NOT saying!) We could hop in the car and go wherever we wanted to go and whenever the urge hit. When we lived in Gulfport, we could come home on a whim. The packing was much easier, and it was tremendously cheaper to eat out with just the two of us. I'm not just talking McDonalds either. We could even eat a "fork" meal without breaking the bank. You know, the kind of meal where you actually have to use a utensil, like Captain D's or even better, a buffet, like Ryan's.  Hey! Don't judge. Those were fancy to us back in the day.

 

But then one child, then two, entered the picture. Life changed dramatically. Just making a Wal-Mart run was an act of Congress. Now, I had to actually make sure two other people stayed alive and hopefully made it to adulthood. I had to decide what to feed them, and what they had to wear. I had to make sure they were healthy and were safely in bed in each night. I had to make sure they got some kind of education and that they were safe getting that education. Oh my! And I still had to make all those decisions for me, and Keith, and work, and do this, and do that, and the so many other things that makes life happen.

 

Those were the physical things. This did not include how hard my heart was working. When I was pregnant, every single thought revolved around that precious little one inside me. I thought about that one time and was instantly overwhelmed at how I something (someone) could consume my every thought, my entire being. Only a mother can understand that, or a teenager concentrating on "the one!" My heart was working equally as hard as my body. It was just as exhausting to love these children God gave to me as it was to care for them. I woke up with them on my mind and went to bed with them on my mind. Most every spare moment was filled with thoughts about Shelli and Marli. I would worry and cry. I would remember and smile. I would remember the messes and get frustrated all over again. Oh, being a mother was so hard.

 

Then, there came Cooper, my blond-haired, blue-eyed boy blessing! Two years later, here came the do-over of Shelli, little Aubri K'Ceal. If you lost count, this makes four! Not six, eight, and certainly not 19 and counting, but four! I just thought life was busy. During all the years we had plenty of life changes and challenges, but the greatest challenge for me as a mother came after Aubri was born.

 

I was diagnosed with a very rare blood disorder called atypical hemolytic syndrome. She was barely eight weeks old when I went to the emergency room. When I dropped her off with Keith's sister, Angie, I had no idea I was leaving her for 28 days. I had no idea my children would not get to visit me in the hospital. I had no idea what I was facing. My body was enduring tremendous physical trauma, but my heart, oh my heart, was enduring so much more.

 

For the first time ever, I could not care for them. I had to entrust them to others. I mean totally entrust them to others. Think about this as a mother for a moment...you know this is your last "baby." You are already mourning and cherishing every "first last" moment with this child. Then to leave her, when every single day her face will change and she will learn to coo and to make different expressions. You mothers know what I'm talking about if you have already had your "last baby."  Aubri was just part of the picture. Shelli got braces. I had to decide on homeschool curriculum for the older kids. Cooper just knew he missed mommy and daddy.

 

You know what? I had to keep going. God provided me the strength to get through it all, physically and mentally. He did not allow my thoughts to stay in those dark places. He pushed me through and made me focus on the job I had to do. And that was being a mother no matter what was thrown at me. I stayed in the Word, mostly Psalms and Philippians, and listened to praise music to fill my thoughts so I would not drift away where Satan would want me to go. (This is not true of me 100% of the time. I am human. This is simply testimony of those 28 days.) The following I can testify is true:

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things. The things on which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8

We are approaching the two year anniversary of my diagnosis so you can count on more blogs about aHUS and our life since then. But for now, my focus is perseverance as a mother. We just don't get breaks. "Me time" is really non-existent. When you become mom, you become theirs, and "your time" is their time. No matter how many spills happen before 7:30 in the morning, no matter how many times you hear your name called out during the day, no matter how many loads of laundry you have to wash, you must keep going. When you are running a fever of 103.5 and are puking your guts out all over bathroom floor that hasn't been mopped in weeks because you have been the taxi cab for your children and the chef for them and all their friends, you still have to keep pushing through and get up and go again. No matter what life comes your way, you keep going!

 

You might have the greatest husband in the world. You might also have a terrific support system around you to help out with those daily tasks and some baby sitting every now and then in order for you to take off for "mental health" days. But mothers never really take a day off. Even when they are thousands of miles away the mind still organizes their children's days and their hearts wonder if there is a bobo to kiss and make better. Mothers keep going, and going, and going, and going, and....  You know that's why that little bunny is pink, huh?

"She seeks wool and flax, and willingly works with her hands. She is like the merchant ships. She brings her food from afar. She also rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household, and a portion for her maidservants. She considers a field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength , and strengthens her arms. She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night. She stretches her out her hands to the distaff, and her hand holds the spindle. She extends her hands to the poor, yet she reaches out her hand to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed with scarlet. She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies sashes for the merchants. Strength and honor are her clothing. She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her." Proverbs 31:13-28

This woman was busy, y'all. She worked, crafted, cooked, exercised, sewed...she did it all. She gives me many goals to set. Except, I've tried to the sewing and my fingers just won't do it, so I can scratch that one off the list!  And yet apparently, she had plenty of time for her family because her husband and her children love her to death. I pray my family can say the same things about me even though I can barely sew a button on a shirt! I praise God that He gave me strength to keep going when I had none on my own. I praise God that in Him I can find more when I need it!

Smile, Honey Child!

My most favorite person in the world, my Uncle Aubrey, loves to go to Wal-Mart and sit on the benches and just watch people. A lot of the "old men" in town do this to pass the time. They sit and talk and while, and sometimes chat with you on your way out the door. Uncle Aubrey says he would much rather just sit and watch than talk. I think I would, too.

This brings me to my thoughts, have you noticed how unpleasant people's faces are today? Have you noticed that people rarely smile, and if they do, it is just long enough to get past you and then it is back to the frown or look of discontentment. Some don't even give you the complimentary exercise of the facial muscle that makes the corner of the lips point upward. Right about now you should be saying, "Yeah, she's right. Nobody smiles anymore." I mean, cashiers rarely smile even while forced to recite a greeting. And if you have ever sat in a choir or have been in front of a congregation, you know for sure they don't smile.

 

Next thought, do YOU smile enough? Do you do your part? More importantly, do you smile enough at home? Do you smile at your kids, at your husband, wife? I do not. I have to make conscience effort to smile. I am not one of those people who just naturally smile. Some people are. I am not.

"I will praise, You, O Lord, with my whole heart. I will tell of all Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You. I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

My daddy raised me in beauty pageants and he always had someone telling me something new. I remember one lady telling me "how to smile." She said, "Now, Melissa. Smiling is not just about smiling with your lips. You have to look at the judges and smile with your eyes." I took that as smile like you mean it. Smile with intent. Show interest.

 

There are enough grumpy faces in this world. For my children and my husband, I need to do better at home. I need to look and them and "smile with my eyes." They need to look at me and see something pleasant instead of the drill sergeant that I really am. Now don't get me wrong. I am certainly not going to try to be one of those moms who are smiling and gently saying, "Now Cooper. You need to get out of the road because an 18-wheeler is coming to plow you down." No. I believe in yelling! I also believe in gentleness, too, though.

 

As a parent, I have many more opportunities to smile at my children than I do to frown at them. What's that number? It takes ten positive comments to undo one negative comment. I think they keep changing the number. Anyway, I should be able to smile at Cooper when he is being a boy and bouncing around with energy I wish I had. I should be able to smile a Marli when she is being her and having some innocent "ah ha" instead of rolling my eyes. I should be able to smile at Keith when he walks in the door from work instead of thinking to myself, "here goes our routine." I need to re-train my thoughts in the positive. Could your thoughts use a little training and your frown use a little redirection? Man, I have a ton of work to do.

"Serve the Lord with gladness. Come before His presence with singing. Know that the Lord, He is God." Psalm 100:2

This may seem trivial, but I think it is noteworthy. Smiling is such a simple thing that I can do for my family. I can let myself get so caught up on the million things happening in my life's background that I forget to find pleasure in what God has put right before me. Sometimes I might just have to "fake it til I make it" but at least my facial muscles will get exercise, right?

I am Momma! Hear me roar!

Up at 6:30 a.m. to take the husband to work because the second vehicle is on the outs. Come back to make myself and the little kids a couple of fried eggs and toast for breakfast. Cooper is putting on his "football" shoes to go outside and play but there are knots in them so this ensues a fit. Don't worry. Momma fixes it. Aubri looses her drink and pa pa (paci). Momma distracts her. Breakfast is ready. Coop actually eats. Momma and Aubri sit down to share, and Aubri spits egg out everywhere! Okay. Moving on. Breakfast over. Coop and Aubri are playing, well, big brother is bullying little sister around like none other. Momma trying to get some Bible time in for the day. Aubri decides she wants her drink which no one can find. Up and down Momma goes trying to keep some calm in the house while she tries to read. No sign of sippie cup so Momma gets another. Aubri decides she wants in Mommas lap. Okay. Cooper decides he wants "coke" instead of the "koolaid" Momma fixed him. This begins the fit that he is currently throwing right now in the middle of the floor screaming, " I WANT COKE!!!!!" Aubri is still climbing all over Momma even though Momma relocated to the couch. Momma is TIRED!

 

Does this sound familiar to you? As a mom, or dad for that matter, there are a million things begging for our attention during the day. I know for me, almost each and every time that I begin clean the kitchen or vacuum the living room or do anything, a  kid catastrophe is going to happen that will interrupt me and call my attention elsewhere. This leads to the "I'm never gonna get anything done around here if you don't leave me alone" frustrated attitude from me. Spilled milk, wet diaper, "she's touching me", "that's mine".....you know the kind of stuff that really is minor in the big scheme of things but when you deal with enough of it by 9:00 a.m., it tends to be multiplied by one million and quickly becomes major in Momma World? Like just now, my hang-up organizer just fell down for the ump-tenth time!

 

Why does all this little stuff add up so quickly? I have all the "major" stuff on the brain as well. For example, the husband has nerve damage in his back and is in excruciating pain. He doesn't work...we have no income. Stress for him, stress for us. My wife heart aches for him. Another "major", oldest daughter moving to college. Momma is trying to ignore this one for now. Another, we have a fourteen-year-old. Enough said on that one. Yet another, I have an incurable blood disorder that causes many different symptoms that I don't have time to deal with because "I am Momma. Hear me roar!"

 

Those are just samples of what is going on in my life at the current time. Not everything. The point is we all have things, many, many things, big and small, that encompass our lives. And what I noticed today flipping through my Bible trying to get a Word from Jesus is that I am not prepared for the battle of the day. At one point I looked at Cooper and said, "What in the devil is wrong with you today?"  Wouldn't you know I was in the Book of Ephesians, Chapter 6. It was the devil!

 

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil . For we do not wrestle against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Eph. 6: 10-13

You see, I wasn't prepared for this "evil day". I did not get up and put on the whole armor of God. To tell you the truth, I just got up and didn't prepare for battle at all. Satan will use any tactic he can to get in the middle of you and God. Yes, even those precious little babies. The Kool-Aid is spilled leads to your aggravation, leads to your maybe yelling at the kids, leads to the kids crying, leads to their spirits being crushed, leads to your guilt of being a terrible parent, leads to your yelling again because your down in the dumps.....over dramatic? Maybe. But Satan is smart and tactical. And you know this scenario is certainly possible.

Don't think for one second that you can get up each day and not prepare yourself for battle with Satan. You cannot get up and fight without God and His armor. Even if there is a lull in the war on a particular day and everything is going smoothly, you still need to be prepared for an attack of Satan and his armies. This verses of scripture are well known, but commonly taken for granted.

"Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked  one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the spirit being watchful to the end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints." Eph. 6:14-18

I praise God that He has given me this insight that I'm not fighting my children (or husband, boss, friends, or _______). He tells me right there in Ephesians that it is the dark forces that I need to be prayed up for and to be prepared to fight against during the day. Moral of the story: get up earlier than the demons and read the Battle Plan (Bible). 

Unexpected mercy.......

And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

I thought I would drop in to Dirt Cheap for a few minutes to kill some time before I had to pick up the girls from school last spring.  Some things had happened a couple weeks before and I was struggling hard with forgiveness. (This is a topic that I think comes across our hearts on a regular basis if we are honest enough to admit it.) Anyway, I was just not at a point where I was willing to forgive a group of people who had hurt me and my family in a pretty bad way.  Way past the crying stage, anger had already set in.

Cooper and I were making our way through the fifty percent off aisle when I caught a glimpse of a woman of whom I thought looked like my "real" mother (my biological mother...I'm adopted.)  My stomach was doing flips as I quickly made another turn to go down another aisle. A couple minutes later there she was again, and I knew it was here. I said, "Not today, God, not today." He was already speaking to me. He said, "Melissa, Child, today is the day you will let go of all the bitterness and anger you have held toward this woman. She is your mother. She has her faults. But she deserves your forgiveness. You MUST give it to her, just like I forgave YOU." UUGGGHHHH!!!!!  "God, I know. You're right. But not today. I don't feel like it. Not here. Not today. Not now."

Of all things forgiveness was surely on the bottom of my list. I had not even picked up my Bible in a couple of weeks, even though we lived directly across from a church. This was, as a matter of fact, one of the first time I had really spoken to God since all of it had happened. He was reminding me of Mark 11: 25-26...."And whenever you stand praying if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses."

I am a very hard-headed person.  He knows this. Again I tried to avoid her by going to another aisle. When I got to the end of this particular aisle, God had his way. As I turned my buggy, here she came around the corner and bumped right into me. Before I knew it I was saying, "Carolyn?" She looked bewildered and said, "Yeah?" I said, "It's me, Melissa." "My daughter, Melissa?"she said as she broke down into tears crying. I offered her a hug and right there in the  middle of Dirt Cheap we had a reunion, tears, snot, and all. She saw Cooper for the first time. I gave her recent pictures of the girls. To my unbelief I even gave her my phone number!

The coincidence of this all (divine intervention) was that it was just before Mother's Day. I didn't even realize it until she mentioned it. When I left out of that store it was like a weight had been lifted off of me. I felt a freedom that I had never felt before.  You see, ever since I figured out that she gave all of her babies (5, maybe more) away, I developed a bitterness toward her. Then when I met her when I was 13 and she took no responsibility for any of whatsoever, I really began to resent her. I could understand one baby, but FIVE!!! And to hear the stories that come with those babies is just heart breaking. And I was a lucky one.

God and His ever-so-perfect timing knew exactly when to teach me the lesson of forgiveness. However, in His wisdom, He did not begin teaching me with the most recent act of hurt that happened. He began with a source of hurt that had long been stirring in my heart. From that many acts of forgiveness were able to happen more freely and more easily.  If I can forgive someone that hurt me the most in my life, then I can definitely forgive the strangers that come in and out of my life.  I have since been able to  forgive those that had hurt by family recently and who had caused much more pain than they ever knew.

I thought that I was "ok." Satan was pulling a good one on me.  He kept telling me all these years that I was right in my thinking and that I was justified. He convinced me that I had forgiven her when in all reality I was just "blowing our relationship off." This is a lesson that I wish each of you could learn from just reading this blog, but unfortunately some of you will have to learn the hard way, like I did.  God's Word says, "Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called 'Today,' lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin." Hebrews 3:  12-13

We in the Bible belt are taught from the womb to forgive others but I'm not sure we are ever shown what it actually looks like. Sometimes we hear the words "forgive and forget", but then the next time someone stumbles the failure is brought up again and again.  God forgives and forgets.  He is not going to bring it up again. However, Satan will remind you of your mistakes and someone else's mistakes so that healing in relationships does not ever take place. Take this advice. LISTEN TO GOD'S WHISPER AND NOT SATAN'S SHOUTING.

Picture taken when she called the number I gave her. Only baby of mine, Aubri, she

 got to come and see. June 27, 2012