Whew! For mommas it just never ends, no matter what life is throwing it at ya. Don't yell me for leaving those dandy dads out, I know some push to the edge, too. I'm speaking from a momma's heart, from my heart.
Before you are a mom, you think about you and your husband. I can look back now and see how easy life was before our first child, Shelli, entered our lives. (There is no regret in that statement. DON'T hear what I'm NOT saying!) We could hop in the car and go wherever we wanted to go and whenever the urge hit. When we lived in Gulfport, we could come home on a whim. The packing was much easier, and it was tremendously cheaper to eat out with just the two of us. I'm not just talking McDonalds either. We could even eat a "fork" meal without breaking the bank. You know, the kind of meal where you actually have to use a utensil, like Captain D's or even better, a buffet, like Ryan's. Hey! Don't judge. Those were fancy to us back in the day.
But then one child, then two, entered the picture. Life changed dramatically. Just making a Wal-Mart run was an act of Congress. Now, I had to actually make sure two other people stayed alive and hopefully made it to adulthood. I had to decide what to feed them, and what they had to wear. I had to make sure they were healthy and were safely in bed in each night. I had to make sure they got some kind of education and that they were safe getting that education. Oh my! And I still had to make all those decisions for me, and Keith, and work, and do this, and do that, and the so many other things that makes life happen.
Those were the physical things. This did not include how hard my heart was working. When I was pregnant, every single thought revolved around that precious little one inside me. I thought about that one time and was instantly overwhelmed at how I something (someone) could consume my every thought, my entire being. Only a mother can understand that, or a teenager concentrating on "the one!" My heart was working equally as hard as my body. It was just as exhausting to love these children God gave to me as it was to care for them. I woke up with them on my mind and went to bed with them on my mind. Most every spare moment was filled with thoughts about Shelli and Marli. I would worry and cry. I would remember and smile. I would remember the messes and get frustrated all over again. Oh, being a mother was so hard.
Then, there came Cooper, my blond-haired, blue-eyed boy blessing! Two years later, here came the do-over of Shelli, little Aubri K'Ceal. If you lost count, this makes four! Not six, eight, and certainly not 19 and counting, but four! I just thought life was busy. During all the years we had plenty of life changes and challenges, but the greatest challenge for me as a mother came after Aubri was born.
I was diagnosed with a very rare blood disorder called atypical hemolytic syndrome. She was barely eight weeks old when I went to the emergency room. When I dropped her off with Keith's sister, Angie, I had no idea I was leaving her for 28 days. I had no idea my children would not get to visit me in the hospital. I had no idea what I was facing. My body was enduring tremendous physical trauma, but my heart, oh my heart, was enduring so much more.
For the first time ever, I could not care for them. I had to entrust them to others. I mean totally entrust them to others. Think about this as a mother for a moment...you know this is your last "baby." You are already mourning and cherishing every "first last" moment with this child. Then to leave her, when every single day her face will change and she will learn to coo and to make different expressions. You mothers know what I'm talking about if you have already had your "last baby." Aubri was just part of the picture. Shelli got braces. I had to decide on homeschool curriculum for the older kids. Cooper just knew he missed mommy and daddy.
You know what? I had to keep going. God provided me the strength to get through it all, physically and mentally. He did not allow my thoughts to stay in those dark places. He pushed me through and made me focus on the job I had to do. And that was being a mother no matter what was thrown at me. I stayed in the Word, mostly Psalms and Philippians, and listened to praise music to fill my thoughts so I would not drift away where Satan would want me to go. (This is not true of me 100% of the time. I am human. This is simply testimony of those 28 days.) The following I can testify is true:
"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things. The things on which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8
We are approaching the two year anniversary of my diagnosis so you can count on more blogs about aHUS and our life since then. But for now, my focus is perseverance as a mother. We just don't get breaks. "Me time" is really non-existent. When you become mom, you become theirs, and "your time" is their time. No matter how many spills happen before 7:30 in the morning, no matter how many times you hear your name called out during the day, no matter how many loads of laundry you have to wash, you must keep going. When you are running a fever of 103.5 and are puking your guts out all over bathroom floor that hasn't been mopped in weeks because you have been the taxi cab for your children and the chef for them and all their friends, you still have to keep pushing through and get up and go again. No matter what life comes your way, you keep going!
You might have the greatest husband in the world. You might also have a terrific support system around you to help out with those daily tasks and some baby sitting every now and then in order for you to take off for "mental health" days. But mothers never really take a day off. Even when they are thousands of miles away the mind still organizes their children's days and their hearts wonder if there is a bobo to kiss and make better. Mothers keep going, and going, and going, and going, and.... You know that's why that little bunny is pink, huh?
"She seeks wool and flax, and willingly works with her hands. She is like the merchant ships. She brings her food from afar. She also rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household, and a portion for her maidservants. She considers a field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength , and strengthens her arms. She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night. She stretches her out her hands to the distaff, and her hand holds the spindle. She extends her hands to the poor, yet she reaches out her hand to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed with scarlet. She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies sashes for the merchants. Strength and honor are her clothing. She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her." Proverbs 31:13-28
This woman was busy, y'all. She worked, crafted, cooked, exercised, sewed...she did it all. She gives me many goals to set. Except, I've tried to the sewing and my fingers just won't do it, so I can scratch that one off the list! And yet apparently, she had plenty of time for her family because her husband and her children love her to death. I pray my family can say the same things about me even though I can barely sew a button on a shirt! I praise God that He gave me strength to keep going when I had none on my own. I praise God that in Him I can find more when I need it!
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