My 9/11 is 8/23 Being A Momma From A Hospital Bed

Only surpassing being the pastor of a small Baptist country church by a few tally marks, being a parent is the most difficult job in the entire world. It is exhausting, yet exhilarating. It is terrifying and trying, yet satisfying and rewarding. There is nothing like it.

 

I never imagined being the mother of four children, yet I am. I also never imagined having to parent my four children from a hospital bed, an hour away, for twenty-eight days straight. That was certainly never in my daydreams as a little girl. Nonetheless, it became a reality on 8/23/2012, the day changed our family forever.

 

I told you in the previous blog post that we dropped the kids off with Keith's sister, Angie. If I had known that was the last time I would hold them without wires and cables hanging out of me, I would have held on forever. I am not sure how many days passed before it was before I actually got to lay eyes on any of them again after I left them that day. My times runs together. I do remember though telling Keith to make sure of "this" and to make sure of "that". I was still trying to be Momma as best I could.

 

When the dust would settle each day, at first, Keith would go over what had happened all throughout the day and who came and called. He would tell me about talking to the kids. He and Shelli seemed to have taken control over my job. They had the little ones all taken care of...Aubri was with Angie and Josh, and Cooper was with his mom and dad. Shelli and Marli were floating all over because Shelli was able to drive. Keith and Shelli knew when one child would be swapping from one location to the other, and they were the ones making the arrangements to make that happen. All I could do was just agree.

 

The first day I was in the hospital, Shelli had teeth extracted and I had to leave her. I could not take care of her. Then time passed, and it was September 6th, the day she was to get her braces. I could not be with her then and I could not take care of her then. All she had was my voice. And all I was the assurance from others that she was okay and doing well. I wanted to go to KFC and get her some mashed potatoes and gravy, but I couldn't. I wanted to give her blue Gatorade, but I couldn't. All I could do was nothing. Just have faith and trust that what I was being told was true. I had to believe that I was doing my job as a mother by sitting still and letting my body "do its thing" so I could get back full force to her. Easier said than done.

 

From my oldest to my youngest, my thoughts hopscotched all day long. I knew without a doubt that Aubri was in the best care. But it just wasn't my care. She was just a tiny baby. Everyday was going to be something new for her, and I wanted to be the one to see it. Aubri was my last baby. I wanted every moment of hers. I didn't want to lose one single coo or roll over or smile. Would she even know my voice when I ever did get to hold her again? But again, God said, "Melissa, if you want her thens, you've got to let me have the nows." I had to let go and trust. I had to let my body heal to a point where I could get back to her so I could have her again, and hopefully many, many more thens.

 

Cooper is just my child that goes with the flow. God blessed him with being a preacher's child early in life, so he is easy. But in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn't going to understand why momma and daddy were gone for so long. And he didn't. I remember the first time they strolled me down to the lobby to see him I was all hooked up to the drip and I had my ports hanging out of my neck. The poor baby didn't know what had happened to his mommy. I'm sure there's a few thousand dollars worth of therapy in our future about that. Coop was real stand-offish. I would be too.

 

And Marli, my Marli, her heart is so tender and can't handle much so she turns toward self. She pretends it's no big deal, but she is really going nuts inside. I wanted to just sit with her and explain to her everything, because all this was just dropped on her like a bombshell. Too much for her to handle. Too much for any of us to handle. She did not want to talk to me much on the phone and didn't want to look at me much when they came for short visits. It hurt, but I understood.

 

Each child has different needs, and even while fighting for life, they needed me in all those ways. I tried to fulfill every request I could. I took every opportunity I could to talk to them. I tried to always be positive but never lie. Yes, I even answered the hard question of "are you going to die?" Well, I don't, but if I do, you can bet your sweet bottom I will be with Jesus tonight. And you should know how much I love each and everyone of you.

 

Shelli and I had some talks about "what if I really did die". That was a tough one to have, yeah. I just told her what I expected of her and how I would like for it to play out. She said okay.

 

The bottom line is the time I spent away from my children physically, I was actually more mentally with them than I ever had been before. Because I was forced to be still and not be busy with world stuff, I had the time to pray over my kids and write letters to them. Plan things out for them. God used this hospital bed vacation as a time for me to focus on my kids and to realize and to re-evaluate where some changes needed to be made. God taught me calmness during this time. I had never experienced a day of calm in my entire life. But through the trials of what my physical body had to endure, I had to be calm or else.

 

Parenting is hard. Period. But I dare not try to parent my children in this world without having been armed with the Word of God. I trusted in that bed that what I was praying for was being heard by God and was being handled. And it was. My kids were perfectly in tact when I came home. and I am so so very thankful for all those that had a part in keep them. I will not name names because my memory fails me. But y'all were my angels. Aside from me never letting go of the Bible and God sending angels to attend my way, those twenty-eight days would have been an epic parent fail.

I Ain't As Crazy As You Think

 I hit the "publish" button Wednesday night, talked to Jesus a little, and then went to sleep. When I woke up Thursday morning, I was afraid to look at my phone. I had no idea what kind of response I was going to face to my post exposing my "worst self." I said a little prayer and prepared my heart and picked it up. To my surprise, I had an overwhelming amount of positive text messages and inbox messages of "thank you's" and encouragements. Some said they could never be so brave as so share that much. Others said my words echo their own. Others told me they thought they were the only ones who ever felt that way.

 

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read each message. I wanted to have a "group" meeting so we could lift each and every burden up to Heaven. But can I tell you what pained my heart even more?  It was the couple of negative (out of I'd say 150 or so positive) comments that I heard through the grapevine. None of these were said directly to me, of course. Comments to the nature of, "Why would she say such things? Those things are to be kept private." Or, my favorite, "Doesn't she know how that makes her look? What must her family think?"  Naturally, I have an answer to those questions or I would have never put it out there in the first place.

 

Three years ago I was ministry leader for Celebrate Recovery here in Brookhaven. CR is a Christ-centered twelve step program that covers a wide range of problems. During that time I came across a Scripture in training one night that opened a new world for me. You see so many times we wonder "why is this happening to me?" I cried out that question so many times to God. And out of the blue, in a meeting, His words jumped off the page and into my heart.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. "  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

 There it is right there! There's my answer to "why me?" It is so that I will learn from God how to make it through the trouble and learn to depend on Him through that struggle. Then I can pass what I learned and how I was comforted along to a person struggling with the same thing. Example: mother loses child to ATV accident. Who knows best her pain than another mother who lost a child to an ATV accident. See my point? So, this Scripture gives me the full go-ahead to share my struggles with depression, suicide, my children, my marriage, my everything, WITHOUT SHAME. I am not doing anybody any favors my keeping God's comfort for myself, and if I keep quiet, He most certainly will not get the glory He so rightfully deserves.

 

And as for keeping quiet, well, there is another answer I have for that, too. My older two girls can testify for me that I have preached to them to never, ever, tried to hide anything from me because eventually it will be found out. Shelli has lived long enough to see that play out through some friends' lives and understands what I've been saying all this time...there are NO SECRETS in this world.

"For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be known.  Therefore whatever you have spoken in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have spoken in the ear in inner rooms will be proclaimed on the housetops." Luke 12: 2-3

 

And FYI, those are Jesus' words, not mine! They are in red. So, if what He speaks is truth, and I believe it is, then there is nothing that is hidden. It will all come out in the wash as they say. He goes on to tell the disciples who not to fear man but they should really fear Him, the one who has the power over their eternity. And that's right. I am not afraid of what people think, though I do care because I don't want to deter them so much that they don't want to hear what good I might have to say. Let me be clear, though, I am not afraid of gossip or untrue opinions as long as I know that I am ministering the way God wants me. Believe me, I would much prefer the easier life of travel speaking and writing books. Instead, he has me sharing my heart, after the babies are long in LaLa Land, through a blog that may reach a few thousand people.

 

I may be crazy, but I ain't crazy for sharing my heart in order for God to get his glory! If I don't share my struggles, then what it is there purpose? To make my faith stronger. Ok. So make it stronger to sit and do nothing with it? I could ask you many questions and I will always come back to the same answer. I must share my stories and my struggles in order to share my God and how active and living He is in my life. I know this God and this Jesus and this Holy Spirit very intimately. I have spent hours alone with them. They are too good to be kept on a hard pew on Sunday morning. They want to ride with you to your doctor's appointment jammin' out to some LeCrae or Mandissa. Yeah, they can jam.

 

Think what you want to think. But know that what I wrote is not current thoughts. Yes, our life is over-whelming and difficult right now, and it even seems pretty desperate. But this too shall pass and become yet another chapter in the Days of the Lives of the Pedens so we comfort others the way we have been comforted. Hang on my friends, hang on! 

 

 



Please Don't Ignore

In light of Robin William's recent death, there is much talk of suicide and depression. I confessed on Facebook about my thoughts of suicide because many asked the question of "how can someone think there is no way out other than suicide?" Well, unless you have 'walked in those shoes', it is not something you will understand. It is kinda like the world trying to understand why Christians think the way we think...  So, I was thinking that I would try to give an insight into what my thoughts were, sometimes still are, for a day. You can insert daily tasks, children, errands, and life wherever you feel like in between the run-on sentences and poor grammar. But maybe, just maybe, you will get an idea of a depressed brain.

 

My days and thoughts started as follows:

 

Crap. It's morning. I don't want to get up. Is there someone here that can deal with the kids? I would rather just stay here in the covers. Wonder if I will find bruises today. I already know I don't have the energy to make it. Please don't let them wake up right now. Please let them sleep late so I can enjoy being awake, just a little. There is so much to do today. Do I have a doctor's appointment today? I hope not. I'm so tired of being a pin cushion. The house is never clean. I can't get it clean enough. I am a horrible housekeeper, which makes me a horrible mother. Everybody else's house is clean, and smells good. Why can't mine? Why can't I get it together like everybody else? Why am I run ragged? No no no. They are awake! Can't somebody take them away for the day, or forever. I don't feel like being momma day. I don't wanna cook for me, much less them. What kind of mother am I for not wanting to take care of her kids? You don't deserve to live. You can't take care of them. Half of the time you are wondering what you're gonna feed them anyway. You should have never had them. You have ruined their lives by your choices. You stayed with Keith. You should have left. You deserve this. You deserve this punishment. You deserve this miserable life. You deserve everything you have brought on yourself. But they don't. And you did it to them. You only had Shelli and Marli, and then you had two more. What were you thinking? How could you bring two more lives into your miserable being much less this horrible world? You have ruined their lives. They are going to hate you. They are going to leave and never come back. Somebody stop the screaming! I can't take it! I don't want to hear it! I just can't take it! Just leave. Just walk away from it all. Keith can take care of them. Or Shelli. Somebody will. Just leave and start a new life. You are horrible. You sound just like the mother who gave you away. She gave away five, and now you want to walk away from four. You are a worthless human being. You are no better than the worse thought you ever had about her. How can you even think about leaving these precious babies? They are gifts and you just want to walk away! You are despicable. What time is it? Is the day over yet? I can't make it any longer. My mind and heart is so tired. Everybody is demanding so much of me. Why do they think I am so strong? I am not. I am screaming for help and nobody is hearing me. Other than saying I want to die, I don't know how else to say it. I am so weak. I am so lonely. I need a friend. I see everybody else with friends, and I have no one. Nobody invites me to go anywhere. I sit here and listen to the stories. I don't have any stories. I am so tired. I want friend. I want somebody to take care of me. I miss momma. She left too soon. What's the best way to do it? I can't do it during the day because the babies would be home alone. I want it to work when I do it. I don't want a mess up. I don't want to burden anybody with a vegetable. I can't do it before school lets out because Marli will freak if I'm not there. What will she do when I'm gone? Who's gonna watch out for her? I guess if I kill myself all the work will be on Shelli. Ugh. I can't even die in peace!!!Can't somebody help me around here? Everything is on me. My mind can't stop. There is no quiet in my head. It's like a tilt-a-whirl that never lets you off. I'm so tired. I wish somebody would here me. I hate this new normal I have. I hate being the sick one. I hate living knowing that I'm going to die. I know we all are, but it is more of a reality for me. I hate watching for bruises and wondering what my platelet count is. Will I live to see Cooper and Aubri grow up? If I die now, will they even know me? I can't stop thinking about it. Will they hate me for always being sick? I resented my momma and her family for always being sick. Who's to say my kids won't resent me? The thought makes me just want to end it now because at least it will be quick and not slow like the disease. Make it stop. God, do you hear me? Why don't you help me? Give me a break God! I don't want to get Marli from school. God all she does is cause problems. I just can't deal with her. If she wasn't my child I would hate her. How can I think that? I am supposed to have unconditional love. I am a seriously messed up human being. I need help. I know that. Please somebody help me. If she pops off  I may hurt her. I'm afraid of myself. I'm horrible. How can I possibly want to hurt my child? But at the same time I understand why kids are thrown into garbage kids. I get it. Oh my. I'm sick just like they are. I understand how they can go off, Lord.  I understand their anger. Why am I made like this?

 

 

Do you get the point? I stopped my thoughts at about 3:00 p.m. before would get Marli from school. All day long thoughts race through your head. Awful thoughts. Those thoughts lead to guilt. Those thoughts lead to a very dark place. That place provides a space for suicide. Day after day after day. Night after night after night. EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW BETTER! I even went so far as to write little "notes" of good-byes to a few people, starting with Keith and the kids. If I could have figured out a sure-fire way of making it happen, I may not be here today. But thankfully, God made me a detailed, analytical person and I thought too hard. And I had just enough faith left each night to hang on until the next morning.

 

You see, I thought I was abandoned by God because my troubles were so abundant. God never left me. Satan had such a hold on my thoughts that it was a real spiritual warfare (see Ephesians 6) going on in my head. Keith took me to St. Dominic's to the psych ward and I had a little vacation and some time in "group." I "got out" on December 23 just before Christmas this past year. (Just to push the point that nobody notices, only ONE person noticed that I did not make a post on FB for those several days and she was the ONLY one that even asked what was going on besides the few that were told after the fact. Thank you, Mrs. Lynn.) Those few days in the hospital gave me lots of time to think about what was wrong with me. The best conclusion I came to was "acceptance." I needed to accept the life and path God was sending me down. I didn't want to do it, but I had to in order to make it.

 

Life has certainly not let up. Right after I was release, I really did almost die from blood clots in my lungs. (Game changer! I almost got my wish.) Life is not going to let up. I must accept the day to day, and I must stay close to God. I must believe what He has promised and I must cling with everything that I have in me to His Word. I must scream at Him when no one else hears me. He hears me. I know He does.

 

This is as raw and as honest as I can be. I know this is a long one, and it is very personal. But I beg of you, please, please, please share this. Not for my sake, but for someone else's. I guarantee someone else is sitting in the dark scrolling through and thinking some, if not all, of the same thoughts. It just may help or save someone from going through it.

"Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord--that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful." James 5:11

DON'T GIVE UP!