My 9/11 Part 3: Life is Short

People tell me often, daily almost, how much I have inspired them through my story. It humbles me every single time because I in no way look in the mirror and see someone who could inspire people. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman that is beaten and worn by the years and is making it daily by God's grace, strength and mercy. But, I do hope in some sort of way I have inspired at least one of you to look at life just a little differently, either at your own or another's.

 

Through this life of mine and especially through the past two years that God has journeyed me down, I have learned a couple of things here and there. One thing I have learned, perhaps the most important, is the gigantic adage, "don't sweat the small stuff." After facing death head on, nose to nose, your perspective changes dramatically. And as a parent,  you learn a tremendous amount of knowledge in what seems like seconds.

 

Before I was diagnosed with aHUS, I was very high strung and orderly (some, well, Keith, says I still am). I had everything together and in its place. I could balance porcelain plates on hands, elbows and knees without dropping a single one all while making dinner and giving kids a bath. After my discharge, I could barely bathe myself much less manage the household like I used to do. A resolution had to come quickly to me, or life at home was going to be disastrous! I prayed for a revelation and as simply as I prayed, I got my answer. "Chill, Melissa. Just chill out. Do what you can. Don't sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles. Keep it simple. Save your energy for what really matters."

 

 I'm learning not to care. For example, I don't care if the house is spotless when someone comes over. Nope. If they know how much we are struggling and how sick we are, and if they don't like the way my house looks, well they are welcome to hire a maid or come do it themselves. Because what I really care about is conserving enough energy to be there for that softball game or soccer game. And if I have to a perfect spotless house, it ain't gonna happen.

 

Let the kids be kids. Maybe it's because I am now the mother of four and have chilled through the years, or maybe it is because through this journey I have learned what is important and what it not. I don't have a panic attack when Cooper flies off the couch or when Aubri falls off the porch. I have learned to let the kids settle their own arguments, for the most part. Aubri is going to get body slammed about two or three more times by Coop and she is gonna get that blonde-haired, blue-eyed big-bully, sweet brother of hers a hit where the sun don't shine. She's getting tough. But I'm trying to let them handle their own battles instead of me jumping to the rescue.

"Little" things are not "big" things anymore. I have enough "big" things to consume my daily life. There really is no room to let the little things get the best of me. Now when it does come to those "big" issues, I knock, kick, and cry, and pray, pray, pray. I turn to God, my Rock and my Help. I get out my Bible that is falling apart because I refuse to get a new one, and read the 2,000 year old self-help book that God left me. And then, I message my friends. And then, I usually put it on Facebook. (Yes, I do. Why? Because I don't live quietly. I live God out loud. That's how I'm wired.)

 

Rain puddles, back porch sittin', impromptu dances, happy hour runs to Sonic, pajama and popcorn days.....yeah, we really do all that around here. Why? Because aHUS can suddenly cause my body to turn on itself and shut down and then tomorrow may not be. I mean, none of us are promised tomorrow. I guess for some of us, we just use tomorrow before it gets it here. 

"Therefore, I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, not about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather  into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" Matthew 6: 25-27

 

I am learning to make the most of what life path God has me own. Even on the worst scenario, I bet ya I can find a positive out of it. I have to laugh to keep from crying sometimes. With as much "life" that can happen in the days of our lives, I have to make sure that I lived that one day for Jesus.  The most important thing for my day is not did I get the vegetable soup stain out of the carpet (sorry, Emily) or is the perfect Pinterest project complete, but it is did I point my life to Jesus? Did I teach my kids scripture? Did I show love to the least of them? Did I make the most of the breath I was given?

 



My 9/11 is 8/23 Being A Momma From A Hospital Bed

Only surpassing being the pastor of a small Baptist country church by a few tally marks, being a parent is the most difficult job in the entire world. It is exhausting, yet exhilarating. It is terrifying and trying, yet satisfying and rewarding. There is nothing like it.

 

I never imagined being the mother of four children, yet I am. I also never imagined having to parent my four children from a hospital bed, an hour away, for twenty-eight days straight. That was certainly never in my daydreams as a little girl. Nonetheless, it became a reality on 8/23/2012, the day changed our family forever.

 

I told you in the previous blog post that we dropped the kids off with Keith's sister, Angie. If I had known that was the last time I would hold them without wires and cables hanging out of me, I would have held on forever. I am not sure how many days passed before it was before I actually got to lay eyes on any of them again after I left them that day. My times runs together. I do remember though telling Keith to make sure of "this" and to make sure of "that". I was still trying to be Momma as best I could.

 

When the dust would settle each day, at first, Keith would go over what had happened all throughout the day and who came and called. He would tell me about talking to the kids. He and Shelli seemed to have taken control over my job. They had the little ones all taken care of...Aubri was with Angie and Josh, and Cooper was with his mom and dad. Shelli and Marli were floating all over because Shelli was able to drive. Keith and Shelli knew when one child would be swapping from one location to the other, and they were the ones making the arrangements to make that happen. All I could do was just agree.

 

The first day I was in the hospital, Shelli had teeth extracted and I had to leave her. I could not take care of her. Then time passed, and it was September 6th, the day she was to get her braces. I could not be with her then and I could not take care of her then. All she had was my voice. And all I was the assurance from others that she was okay and doing well. I wanted to go to KFC and get her some mashed potatoes and gravy, but I couldn't. I wanted to give her blue Gatorade, but I couldn't. All I could do was nothing. Just have faith and trust that what I was being told was true. I had to believe that I was doing my job as a mother by sitting still and letting my body "do its thing" so I could get back full force to her. Easier said than done.

 

From my oldest to my youngest, my thoughts hopscotched all day long. I knew without a doubt that Aubri was in the best care. But it just wasn't my care. She was just a tiny baby. Everyday was going to be something new for her, and I wanted to be the one to see it. Aubri was my last baby. I wanted every moment of hers. I didn't want to lose one single coo or roll over or smile. Would she even know my voice when I ever did get to hold her again? But again, God said, "Melissa, if you want her thens, you've got to let me have the nows." I had to let go and trust. I had to let my body heal to a point where I could get back to her so I could have her again, and hopefully many, many more thens.

 

Cooper is just my child that goes with the flow. God blessed him with being a preacher's child early in life, so he is easy. But in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn't going to understand why momma and daddy were gone for so long. And he didn't. I remember the first time they strolled me down to the lobby to see him I was all hooked up to the drip and I had my ports hanging out of my neck. The poor baby didn't know what had happened to his mommy. I'm sure there's a few thousand dollars worth of therapy in our future about that. Coop was real stand-offish. I would be too.

 

And Marli, my Marli, her heart is so tender and can't handle much so she turns toward self. She pretends it's no big deal, but she is really going nuts inside. I wanted to just sit with her and explain to her everything, because all this was just dropped on her like a bombshell. Too much for her to handle. Too much for any of us to handle. She did not want to talk to me much on the phone and didn't want to look at me much when they came for short visits. It hurt, but I understood.

 

Each child has different needs, and even while fighting for life, they needed me in all those ways. I tried to fulfill every request I could. I took every opportunity I could to talk to them. I tried to always be positive but never lie. Yes, I even answered the hard question of "are you going to die?" Well, I don't, but if I do, you can bet your sweet bottom I will be with Jesus tonight. And you should know how much I love each and everyone of you.

 

Shelli and I had some talks about "what if I really did die". That was a tough one to have, yeah. I just told her what I expected of her and how I would like for it to play out. She said okay.

 

The bottom line is the time I spent away from my children physically, I was actually more mentally with them than I ever had been before. Because I was forced to be still and not be busy with world stuff, I had the time to pray over my kids and write letters to them. Plan things out for them. God used this hospital bed vacation as a time for me to focus on my kids and to realize and to re-evaluate where some changes needed to be made. God taught me calmness during this time. I had never experienced a day of calm in my entire life. But through the trials of what my physical body had to endure, I had to be calm or else.

 

Parenting is hard. Period. But I dare not try to parent my children in this world without having been armed with the Word of God. I trusted in that bed that what I was praying for was being heard by God and was being handled. And it was. My kids were perfectly in tact when I came home. and I am so so very thankful for all those that had a part in keep them. I will not name names because my memory fails me. But y'all were my angels. Aside from me never letting go of the Bible and God sending angels to attend my way, those twenty-eight days would have been an epic parent fail.

My 9/11 is 8/23

Eight. Twenty-three. Two thousand twelve. What were you doing on that day? My day was planned to start back to Thursday morning Bible study that I had looked forward to all summer long after Aubri was born. Keith was taking Shelli to get some teeth extracted for her braces that she was soon to get. And for lunch we were going to celebrate Marli's twelfth birthday anywhere she wanted. Well, the morning went just as planned on into lunch. Marli chose Little Tokyo. I pushed through the meal, though, pretending with everything I had in me that I was having a good time. I tried so hard not to ruin her birthday. We finished the meal, and I barely made it to the car. Keith put his foot down and said, "That's it. I'm taking you to the emergency room."

 

You see, I had Aubri just eight weeks before and I thought I was just not recovering from her birth. I was more than fatigued. I had head aches, body aches and just strange things happening to me. I thought I had West Nile. Keith made arrangements for his sister, Angie, to keep the kids for the day and to make sure Shelli was going to be okay with her medicines. When we dropped them off I just stayed in the car not knowing that it was going to be the last time in over a month that I would hug them without wires hanging out of me.

 

Longer story made a little shorter, when we got to the emergency room and was finally seen by a doctor I was critically ill. Wait. I was dying? No, I'm supposed to have the flu or West Nile. They knew something was severely wrong but did not know what. All they knew was that I needed immediate blood transfusions or I was going to die, and that I needed to be airlifted to University Medical Center in Jackson. 

 

I have no account of time for the next hours or days because it all runs together. I saw so many doctors, nurses, and fellows. I was poked and prodded. I think every ounce of blood that I received in the transfusion they drew right back out of me to test. I felt like ET and Elliot at the end of the movie when they were doing all that testing and nobody knew what was wrong. At first they said I had TTP, a rare blood disease, but they were not exactly sure. They had to do one certain test to determine if it was TTP or aHUS. After a while it was determined that I do in fact have aHUS, atypical hemolytic uremic syndrome. Basically, I'm allergic to my blood. Not really, but my red blood cells spontaneously burst upon being made. By body will eventually turn on itself and my organs will shut down.

 

My 9/11 just became 8/23. My world was crashing down around me. Was I even going to make it at this point? My mind was running everywhere just as people were in New York City that day scrambling for help. Lives changed forever. Life as they knew it would be no more. Life....as I knew it....would be no more. I did not exactly what that would be. I did not know how to plan.

 

For the next twenty-eight days on the 5th Floor I made my home. I took twenty-three apharesis treatments and two rounds of chemotherapy. They gave me a plethora of drugs to keep me alive and to help me combat the affects of the drugs and treatments I was receiving. I made friends with the all the staff. I began to look forward to "what the new plan of the day" was going to be since yesterday's plan didn't work on me. My daily platelet count was a highlight of the day, too! It told me how much closer I was to dying or how much closer I was to living another day.

Plasma Exchange - Apheresis Treatment

It separates the blood into three parts. For me, it took out my bad plasma and put in good plasma. My body was resistant. Hence, the good steroids, Benadryl, Tylenol, and chocolate milks to help with reactions. Each treatment was about two hours long depending how reaction of my body. These were exhausting and traumatizing to the body.

 

Off all the things that I had imagined in my mind lying in the emergency room, this was NOT IT! I can barely understand exactly what it is that I have. How am I going to explain this to people? It is so complicated, and so rare. So rare, in fact, that in 2012, only 300 cases in the United States had been documented and 500 in Italy. Now given the population of both the US and Italy, that is 800 cases in about 375,000,000 people. That 800 is on the right side of that first comma folks. That is a tiny amount of people, and I am one of them. And to further this rarity, there is only ONE drug that keeps us 800 people alive. ONE DRUG! You take an infusion and it only lasts for fourteen days and you go get it again. Soliris is its name. You won't find it on the $4 list at Wal-Mart. The cost of this ONE drug to keep us special 800 people alive each time we go is $99,999.99! It ain't cheap. If you need to see the bill, I will be happy to show you. It's the most expensive drug on the market. And who is blessed to have this rare disease, ME! MISSY!

 

I want to share more this week about my time in the room and how the Bible gave me such strength it was divine intervention. I want to share about being a mother during that time. I will share my heart on control issues and small stuff. God taught me a lot in that hospital room. So stay tuned. This is installment of ___, I don't know. I'm just thankful I'm here to write out my story.

 

Praises Y'all!

 



I Ain't As Crazy As You Think

 I hit the "publish" button Wednesday night, talked to Jesus a little, and then went to sleep. When I woke up Thursday morning, I was afraid to look at my phone. I had no idea what kind of response I was going to face to my post exposing my "worst self." I said a little prayer and prepared my heart and picked it up. To my surprise, I had an overwhelming amount of positive text messages and inbox messages of "thank you's" and encouragements. Some said they could never be so brave as so share that much. Others said my words echo their own. Others told me they thought they were the only ones who ever felt that way.

 

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read each message. I wanted to have a "group" meeting so we could lift each and every burden up to Heaven. But can I tell you what pained my heart even more?  It was the couple of negative (out of I'd say 150 or so positive) comments that I heard through the grapevine. None of these were said directly to me, of course. Comments to the nature of, "Why would she say such things? Those things are to be kept private." Or, my favorite, "Doesn't she know how that makes her look? What must her family think?"  Naturally, I have an answer to those questions or I would have never put it out there in the first place.

 

Three years ago I was ministry leader for Celebrate Recovery here in Brookhaven. CR is a Christ-centered twelve step program that covers a wide range of problems. During that time I came across a Scripture in training one night that opened a new world for me. You see so many times we wonder "why is this happening to me?" I cried out that question so many times to God. And out of the blue, in a meeting, His words jumped off the page and into my heart.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. "  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

 There it is right there! There's my answer to "why me?" It is so that I will learn from God how to make it through the trouble and learn to depend on Him through that struggle. Then I can pass what I learned and how I was comforted along to a person struggling with the same thing. Example: mother loses child to ATV accident. Who knows best her pain than another mother who lost a child to an ATV accident. See my point? So, this Scripture gives me the full go-ahead to share my struggles with depression, suicide, my children, my marriage, my everything, WITHOUT SHAME. I am not doing anybody any favors my keeping God's comfort for myself, and if I keep quiet, He most certainly will not get the glory He so rightfully deserves.

 

And as for keeping quiet, well, there is another answer I have for that, too. My older two girls can testify for me that I have preached to them to never, ever, tried to hide anything from me because eventually it will be found out. Shelli has lived long enough to see that play out through some friends' lives and understands what I've been saying all this time...there are NO SECRETS in this world.

"For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be known.  Therefore whatever you have spoken in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have spoken in the ear in inner rooms will be proclaimed on the housetops." Luke 12: 2-3

 

And FYI, those are Jesus' words, not mine! They are in red. So, if what He speaks is truth, and I believe it is, then there is nothing that is hidden. It will all come out in the wash as they say. He goes on to tell the disciples who not to fear man but they should really fear Him, the one who has the power over their eternity. And that's right. I am not afraid of what people think, though I do care because I don't want to deter them so much that they don't want to hear what good I might have to say. Let me be clear, though, I am not afraid of gossip or untrue opinions as long as I know that I am ministering the way God wants me. Believe me, I would much prefer the easier life of travel speaking and writing books. Instead, he has me sharing my heart, after the babies are long in LaLa Land, through a blog that may reach a few thousand people.

 

I may be crazy, but I ain't crazy for sharing my heart in order for God to get his glory! If I don't share my struggles, then what it is there purpose? To make my faith stronger. Ok. So make it stronger to sit and do nothing with it? I could ask you many questions and I will always come back to the same answer. I must share my stories and my struggles in order to share my God and how active and living He is in my life. I know this God and this Jesus and this Holy Spirit very intimately. I have spent hours alone with them. They are too good to be kept on a hard pew on Sunday morning. They want to ride with you to your doctor's appointment jammin' out to some LeCrae or Mandissa. Yeah, they can jam.

 

Think what you want to think. But know that what I wrote is not current thoughts. Yes, our life is over-whelming and difficult right now, and it even seems pretty desperate. But this too shall pass and become yet another chapter in the Days of the Lives of the Pedens so we comfort others the way we have been comforted. Hang on my friends, hang on! 

 

 



Please Don't Ignore

In light of Robin William's recent death, there is much talk of suicide and depression. I confessed on Facebook about my thoughts of suicide because many asked the question of "how can someone think there is no way out other than suicide?" Well, unless you have 'walked in those shoes', it is not something you will understand. It is kinda like the world trying to understand why Christians think the way we think...  So, I was thinking that I would try to give an insight into what my thoughts were, sometimes still are, for a day. You can insert daily tasks, children, errands, and life wherever you feel like in between the run-on sentences and poor grammar. But maybe, just maybe, you will get an idea of a depressed brain.

 

My days and thoughts started as follows:

 

Crap. It's morning. I don't want to get up. Is there someone here that can deal with the kids? I would rather just stay here in the covers. Wonder if I will find bruises today. I already know I don't have the energy to make it. Please don't let them wake up right now. Please let them sleep late so I can enjoy being awake, just a little. There is so much to do today. Do I have a doctor's appointment today? I hope not. I'm so tired of being a pin cushion. The house is never clean. I can't get it clean enough. I am a horrible housekeeper, which makes me a horrible mother. Everybody else's house is clean, and smells good. Why can't mine? Why can't I get it together like everybody else? Why am I run ragged? No no no. They are awake! Can't somebody take them away for the day, or forever. I don't feel like being momma day. I don't wanna cook for me, much less them. What kind of mother am I for not wanting to take care of her kids? You don't deserve to live. You can't take care of them. Half of the time you are wondering what you're gonna feed them anyway. You should have never had them. You have ruined their lives by your choices. You stayed with Keith. You should have left. You deserve this. You deserve this punishment. You deserve this miserable life. You deserve everything you have brought on yourself. But they don't. And you did it to them. You only had Shelli and Marli, and then you had two more. What were you thinking? How could you bring two more lives into your miserable being much less this horrible world? You have ruined their lives. They are going to hate you. They are going to leave and never come back. Somebody stop the screaming! I can't take it! I don't want to hear it! I just can't take it! Just leave. Just walk away from it all. Keith can take care of them. Or Shelli. Somebody will. Just leave and start a new life. You are horrible. You sound just like the mother who gave you away. She gave away five, and now you want to walk away from four. You are a worthless human being. You are no better than the worse thought you ever had about her. How can you even think about leaving these precious babies? They are gifts and you just want to walk away! You are despicable. What time is it? Is the day over yet? I can't make it any longer. My mind and heart is so tired. Everybody is demanding so much of me. Why do they think I am so strong? I am not. I am screaming for help and nobody is hearing me. Other than saying I want to die, I don't know how else to say it. I am so weak. I am so lonely. I need a friend. I see everybody else with friends, and I have no one. Nobody invites me to go anywhere. I sit here and listen to the stories. I don't have any stories. I am so tired. I want friend. I want somebody to take care of me. I miss momma. She left too soon. What's the best way to do it? I can't do it during the day because the babies would be home alone. I want it to work when I do it. I don't want a mess up. I don't want to burden anybody with a vegetable. I can't do it before school lets out because Marli will freak if I'm not there. What will she do when I'm gone? Who's gonna watch out for her? I guess if I kill myself all the work will be on Shelli. Ugh. I can't even die in peace!!!Can't somebody help me around here? Everything is on me. My mind can't stop. There is no quiet in my head. It's like a tilt-a-whirl that never lets you off. I'm so tired. I wish somebody would here me. I hate this new normal I have. I hate being the sick one. I hate living knowing that I'm going to die. I know we all are, but it is more of a reality for me. I hate watching for bruises and wondering what my platelet count is. Will I live to see Cooper and Aubri grow up? If I die now, will they even know me? I can't stop thinking about it. Will they hate me for always being sick? I resented my momma and her family for always being sick. Who's to say my kids won't resent me? The thought makes me just want to end it now because at least it will be quick and not slow like the disease. Make it stop. God, do you hear me? Why don't you help me? Give me a break God! I don't want to get Marli from school. God all she does is cause problems. I just can't deal with her. If she wasn't my child I would hate her. How can I think that? I am supposed to have unconditional love. I am a seriously messed up human being. I need help. I know that. Please somebody help me. If she pops off  I may hurt her. I'm afraid of myself. I'm horrible. How can I possibly want to hurt my child? But at the same time I understand why kids are thrown into garbage kids. I get it. Oh my. I'm sick just like they are. I understand how they can go off, Lord.  I understand their anger. Why am I made like this?

 

 

Do you get the point? I stopped my thoughts at about 3:00 p.m. before would get Marli from school. All day long thoughts race through your head. Awful thoughts. Those thoughts lead to guilt. Those thoughts lead to a very dark place. That place provides a space for suicide. Day after day after day. Night after night after night. EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW BETTER! I even went so far as to write little "notes" of good-byes to a few people, starting with Keith and the kids. If I could have figured out a sure-fire way of making it happen, I may not be here today. But thankfully, God made me a detailed, analytical person and I thought too hard. And I had just enough faith left each night to hang on until the next morning.

 

You see, I thought I was abandoned by God because my troubles were so abundant. God never left me. Satan had such a hold on my thoughts that it was a real spiritual warfare (see Ephesians 6) going on in my head. Keith took me to St. Dominic's to the psych ward and I had a little vacation and some time in "group." I "got out" on December 23 just before Christmas this past year. (Just to push the point that nobody notices, only ONE person noticed that I did not make a post on FB for those several days and she was the ONLY one that even asked what was going on besides the few that were told after the fact. Thank you, Mrs. Lynn.) Those few days in the hospital gave me lots of time to think about what was wrong with me. The best conclusion I came to was "acceptance." I needed to accept the life and path God was sending me down. I didn't want to do it, but I had to in order to make it.

 

Life has certainly not let up. Right after I was release, I really did almost die from blood clots in my lungs. (Game changer! I almost got my wish.) Life is not going to let up. I must accept the day to day, and I must stay close to God. I must believe what He has promised and I must cling with everything that I have in me to His Word. I must scream at Him when no one else hears me. He hears me. I know He does.

 

This is as raw and as honest as I can be. I know this is a long one, and it is very personal. But I beg of you, please, please, please share this. Not for my sake, but for someone else's. I guarantee someone else is sitting in the dark scrolling through and thinking some, if not all, of the same thoughts. It just may help or save someone from going through it.

"Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord--that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful." James 5:11

DON'T GIVE UP!

 

I'm Not Ready For This

I have been dreading and anticipating this month for years...the month she moves to college. My oldest baby girl, Shelli, moves to Delta State in just four days! It is actually on August 17th but Rush Week starts Saturday. She informed me tonight that she instead of coming home next Thursday as planned that she will just stay and that we can bring her "big" stuff on that Sunday. She said, "What's just a couple more days?" Um, forever to me! I am not ready for this. I am not ready for my Shelli to leave home. I cannot even do this post without tears streaming down my face.

 

I know I am not the first to experience a child moving to college, and I certainly will not be the last. But nonetheless, Shelli is mine. I am not sure how to let her go. I want her to go and experience all that God has planned for her out there, and I want her to have all the fun she can possibly have. But selfishly, I would like to be with her when she does all that. Because up to this point in her life, I have gotten to be there for all the "big" stuff. For the most part, I have gotten to participate in most of her "fun" life happenings. We were just able to do things together. I was there the moment her name was written in The Book, and I was able to watch her grow in her relationship with Christ. I got to go on mission trips and summer camps. I was with her at DNows and youth events. God even planned it so I could watch her grow at home by being her teacher with homeschool. Now, I will have to watch her life happen from Facebook, Instagram, and text messages.

 

She has been serving at Camp Garaywa and has only been home a few times this summer. I told myself that this was good preparation for me and the babies for when this time finally came. I have been lying to myself all summer long. Her being one hour away for a temporary amount of time has in no way prepared this momma's heart for her moving three hours away to college. It may have prepared her, and it may have taught Cooper and Aubri that Shelli was not going to be here everyday from now on, but it certainly did not help me.

 

Shelli got home late last Thursday night, and we have shopped for her dorm room a little each day. And each day with each item purchased I realize I am a little closer to the hour when I drive away from Delta State with her waving good-bye from Lawler-Hawkins only to see her on rare weekends and on holidays. She is already planning mission trips for her holiday breaks and future summers. Then before I know it, real life will be here and I will be sending her off for the next chapter. Marli to follow in her footsteps, then Cooper, then Aubri.

 

I am not afraid for her. I am not worried about her being able to take care of herself. I am not worried about her going buck wild and sowing her oats. I trust she is "rooted and grounded" in the Word, and that she knows to follow her heart. I am positive she will make mistakes along the way. I will be right here for her, along with the "crowd of witnesses" she has cheering for her.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 

I said this was an honest blog so here goes my honest Melissa. My fear is that she will be so at peace with the "home away from home" that she will not want to come home, to my home. Our home is so hectic, always has been, as long as that baby can remember. From immature parents, alcoholism, uprooting umpteen times, being raised in ministry, both parents nearly dying, and continuous financial problems...she has never had a place of rest. Breaks my heart say that, but it is true. I know she loves us, and God knows she loves those babies, but she needs rest...and peace. And our home, our lives, our environment, is not a place of rest. There are no breaks around here.

 

This is another one of those times when I will have to put my faith to the pavement. Practice what I preach so to speak. When I say I am NOT ready for this, I mean it. At the same time, though, I am so ready for that child to spread her wings and to get the rest that she deserves. She has been through so much in her short eighteen years and has handled it so well with the grace of God. She deserves her own issues and not those of her parents and siblings. She deserves rest and peace. She deserves fun without hindrances and smiles without guilt. I am so ready for HER but not ready for THIS!

"Even the youths shall faint and be weary and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:30-31